Rome Wasn't Built in a Day... But it Could be Toppled in One

The term “rock bottom” is thrown quite a bit, and quite often prematurely. My theory on the overuse of this term is that while the situation may look like it has bottomed out from afar, you often underestimate the incompetence/blind spots of those at the heart of the situation. For example:
• George Lucas decides to write the Star Wars prequels himself… then proceeds to give Jar Jar Binks more lines than Lando Calrissian.
• Jean Van de Velde pulling out the driver on 18 at Carnoustie… then goes for the green with his second shot.
• George Bush puts L. Paul Bremmer in charge of rebuilding and stabilization of Iraq… and then doubles down with Mike Brown at FEMA.
• [Insert life story of any child TV star]

Those are pretty obvious and quick examples, but sometimes these situations sneak up on you 25 years after the fact. In 1985 Starship released We Built this City, an utterly horrible song by an utterly horrible band. In this case, you’d think this was rock bottom for Grace Slick after penning/performing lead vocals on White Rabbit and Somebody to Love.

Fast forward 25 years. Sioux City* finds a new bottom for this song with one of the most ill conceived promotion videos of all time. If you want a quick image think two parts Michael Scott with one part Midwestern hokie. Unfortunately, this video has resulted in We Built this City bouncing around in my head for the past week. And the only way to get a song out of your head is to pass it on. So I give you my review of this video in the hope it will bring me peace and sanity for the first time in a week.

* You may know Sioux City by its nickname, “the only reason anyone should have to look forward to Omaha.”

The Greeters: 0:16
From the looks of it this is the volunteer corps of the Sioux City Tourism Bureau. There are a couple of things that stand out here:
• Pay attention to the scissors. If you have a feeling that is not the last you’ll see of those you’re 100% correct and obviously a connoisseur of hokie, amateur promotional videos.
• The old guy looks less-than-enthused to be there. My guess is that his wife forced him to come despite the fact that his immediate reaction was something along the lines of “they trained me how to kill a man with my bare hands in Korea… and I will kill you if you ask me again.”

Mid-Market News Teams: 0:20
If you’ve ever lived in a mid-sized city such as Sioux City (I grew up close to Peoria) the members of the local network news team are THE regional celebrities. And within these mid-market new teams, there are also two kinds of newscasters:
1) Young bucks that are hoping to take a step up in market size with their next job.
2) The guy whose career topped out in this city 30 years ago who is now the “dean of [city name] newscasters.” This is roughly equivalent to Crash Davis’ minor league home run record.

To all you aspiring newscasters, participating in a video like this is a good way to ensure this is your last step up the media market ladder. Especially when you’re singing style makes you a dead ringer for a Peanuts Cartoon.

Landmark Montage: 0:29
If you have a landmark montage that lasts less than 20 seconds you’re in trouble. If that same montage includes a bike trail and an interstate highway, you’re in Sioux City. And what’s with the mini-Washington Monument? At one point did a city planner think that a family would come to Sioux City instead of DC because of this? Or was this a half hearted attempt to try and compete with Mount Rushmore?

Running in Circles: 1:05
A friend pointed out that the kids running in circles will eventually have to transfer once their involvement of this video leaks out on campus. I’d take it a step further, these girls will have to transfer multiple times and will end up making Sarah Palin’s educational odyssey look stable in comparison.

There Are No Winners: 1:30
Anyone involved in this video will be irrevocably damaged for years to come… unless you’re the guy wearing the mascot outfit, then you have a fighting chance. And for your reference, the mascot’s participation in this video is the one time in the history of man that wearing a mascot uniform enhances your chances of getting laid.

Only Losers: 1:31
Conversely, this is also the one time the line “I’m a fireman” works against you in your quest to get laid.

Radio & Newspaper Talent: 1:48
There’s a very awkward moment in which the choreographer attempts to have a local radio station attempt a video technique that can best be described as a declining totem pole. The timing is about as awkward as John Edwards announcing a President run. This may be the most awkward moment of the most awkward video I’ve ever seen.

Correction, the two newspaper columnists blew the radio guys* out of the water with the hide behind the paper routine. But the good news for these two is that working for a newspaper provides a nice, stable job for the rest of their lives.

* I use the term “guys” loosely. The person on the left may have batted cleanup for the 1997 Iowa Hawkeyes Softball Team.

Respect My Authorita: 2:59
I’m not normally one to advocate for ignoring the law, but if anyone in this video attempts to pull you over I fully endorse your right to lead them on a 6 state car chase.

Mr. Gorbechev… Tear Down that Chimney: 3:17
Did you really need to show the owner’s name of the video of the chimney destruction? Getting a free video of a business collapse is the second easiest type of clip to find on YouTube behind men getting hit in the groin.

This is Why Congress Has Low Approval Ratings: 3:56
Not really, but this is about the only thing they could do to take it any lower.

Always Be Closing: 4:17
And just like the concept of rock bottom, the end of this video manages to dig even further below rock bottom.
• If you’re an EMT and you want your patients to think they’re going to die, this is a good start.
• At this point, if you’re still involved in the video you’re the same type of person that the Milgram Experiment made infamous.
• The dancing cat is the second least enthused participant behind the old guy.
• The scissors are back. What would posses you to bring an oversized pair of wooden scissors to a random parking lot for a photo shoot? Other than a complete lack of self-awareness.
• If Brett Michaels is your closer and it’s not 1986, it’s time to find a new closer.

Of course, maybe this isn’t rock bottom for Sioux City… maybe they’ll be sued for violating the fair use of the song.

Flipping Off The Fickle Finger of Faith

Tiger Town.

Most people don’t know this movie, nor should they. Even the most stout fans of 1980s made-for-TV Disney movies would call it overly cheesy. The only cultural significance of this movie is to illustrate how far Roy Scheider had fallen after Jaws. For me it had an additional personal meaning. It was one of two movies my brother would rent on our weekly trip to the video store growing up – the other being Harry and the Hendersons. And his constant renting of these movies was a thorn in my side for two reasons.

1) We had one TV, meaning that one of two movies that we had already seen 500 times was bound to take over the TV for at least two hours that week.
2) His infatuation with these movies limited my ability to manipulate my two younger brothers’ selections to ensure my choices made it into my Mom’s hands.

The plot of Tiger Town is simple.

Tigers stink.
Kid goes to games with his dad.
Tigers win and aging slugger has great game when they attend.
Dad dies.
Kid becomes obsessed with Tigers games.
Tigers keep winning when he attends.

He’s delayed to the final game of the season and arrives in the ninth inning with the slugger at-bat.
You can guess how it ends… unless you’re my brother. Apparently he needed to regularly remind himself that Roy promptly banged a 2 run home run to win the game as soon as the kid ran into the stadium. And this is despite the fact that Roy had a swing that made Robert Redford’s look like Joe DiMaggio… is it that hard to cast someone who played high school baseball in a made-for-TV movie?

But on Monday night my long-held view of this movie was altered during game 2 of the Blackhawks and Canucks series. The Hawks were down 1-0 in the series at home, it wasn’t a must-win but it was pretty darn close. We walk in a bit late and get to our seats 4 minutes into the game with the Hawks down 2-0. Yikes. My immediate thought was that it was a nice run and the team will be back next year to make another run at the Cup.

As a joke, I mentioned Tiger Town to my friends and how my arrival could turn the game around. Of course, neither of them had any friggin’ clue what I was talking about so I had to walk them through the plot. But 30 seconds into my explanation of the movie the Hawks break through with a goal. Tiger Town mother#*$&er. I remained glued to my seat for the remainder of the game and when the final horn sounded, the Hawks skated away with a 4-2 win.

That’s when the genius of Tiger Town dawned on me. That movie isn’t about the kid, or the Tigers, or even the slow decay of Detroit. It’s a fantasy about having the power to fully control your own destiny. Rationally, we all know that our lucky seat or pre-game meal has no impact on a game in which we are not playing. But I guarantee you notice that your favorite team is 10-0 when you shotgun a Natty Light after the national anthem I bet you’re going to find a can of Natty Light before that first note hits your ear in game 11.

We all want to believe our path is entirely under our control, and it largely is, but sometimes shit happens. A perfectly healthy person gets sick. A war breaks out in someone’s backyard. The Oakland Raiders take you with the 7th pick in the draft. Heck, Malcolm Gladwell wrote an entire book on how there is invariably some immaculate stroke of good luck behind every success story.

That’s the beauty of Tiger Town. There’s no dumb luck. There’s no bad luck. It’s all on us. You don’t have to worry about some schmuck with Tuberculosis trying to impress the boss who ends up sitting next to you on the 9:30 United flight out of O’Hare*.

* Here’s a general rule of thumb for business travel. If you’re sitting in coach, you’re not important enough to fly sick and put everyone’s health at risk.

And it’s a great thing to have that responsibility. There’s no need to curse fate, or wonder what might have been. Everything you achieve is based entirely upon your doing. Unfortunately, we live in a world where randomization is a big part of the equation. Your success largely hinges on your ability to take advantage of the breaks and overcome the roadblocks in your path.

That being said, I couldn’t attend the Hawks’ game 5 loss at home; but don’t worry Hawks fans, I have tickets for game 7.