Jersey Watch

Years ago I wrote a column for The Heckler on selecting the right jersey for the Cubs fans of 2004 to invest in. And while the logic was sound, the final decision wasn’t – I recommended Todd Walker*. So in order to provide a bit of community service to those Blackhawk bandwagon jumpers, I give you an updated version of my rules for purchasing a jersey.


* Two items in my defense aside from the rules I’ll outline below. I would have recommended a Ryan Dempster jersey purchase if not for the fact he identified Rush as his favorite band in an interview with Dan Patrick… there’s no way you can wear his jersey after that statement. Secondly, try and pick out a jersey from the 2004 Cubs that looks like a smart decision six years later. (That statement also works when discussing the Jim Hendry era.”)

Age is More than Just a Number
The saddest thing you'll ever see in a ballpark is a 55 year old man wearing the jersey of a 20 year old kid (obviously exception if that is your kid or nephew). Correction it's the fourth saddest thing you'll see:

4. Old man wearing a player's jersey that is half his age
3. Man trampling a kid to get to a foul ball
2. Man bringing a glove to a major league baseball game
1. Man bringing a glove to a major league baseball game and then failing to make the catch

Buying a jersey is essentially a form of hero worship. That’s why I’m a big advocate of never buying a jersey of a player younger than you. It’s also unintended consequence of steroid testing – at the age of 33 it’s almost impossible for me to buy a jersey of a current player. 10 years ago 33 year olds were adding 25 pounds of muscle, getting faster and just entering their prime. Now they’re losing their fast twitch muscles and struggling with nagging injuries… just like me! For illustrative purposes here’s a list of current Chicago players that are older than I am:

Cubs: Bob Howry, Ted Lilly, Derrick Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Ryan Dempster
Sox: Ramon Castro, Paul Konerko, Omar Vizquel
Blackhawks: John Madden, Cristobal Huet (pronounced “Who-Eh?”)
Bulls: N/A (see below)
Bears: Desmond Clark, Patrick Mannley, Brad Maynard

To quote Major League, “I haven’t heard of half these guys, and the ones I have heard of are way past their prime.” That list sums up why throwback jerseys have evolved into a multi-million dollar industry.

Avoid the Bandwagon
Next time you attend a live sporting event take a look around at the jerseys in the stands. You’re likely to see that 90% of the jerseys are of two or three players – at Hawks games you’ll largely see three jerseys, Toews, Kane and Hossa. Picking one of these jerseys makes you look like even more of a bandwagon fan… that and asking what icing means.

The Raider Effect
Did you ever have that friend in high school that complained about always getting unfairly pulled over by the cops? Did that friend also have a marijuana leaf air freshener dangling from his rear view mirror? Certain jerseys will lead to certain reactions. The cops will pay more attention to you in a Raiders or White Sox jersey. People will take pity on you if you wear any jersey from the city of Cleveland. You’ll be labeled a fair weather fan if you’re wearing an Atlanta jersey. Consider the jersey association before purchasing.

With the First Pick in the MLB Draft, the Chicago Cubs Select…
There’s a few areas of life that require a great deal of caution.

• Eating at a Chinese restaurant that charges by the scoop.
• Hitting on the woman drinking tequila and dancing by herself at 9:00 at night. (Note: This is an evolving situation as you get older. In college guys will trip over themselves getting to this girl’s side with a couple of shots and some bad dance moves, but as you get older this situation typically comes with a case of VD on the side.)
• Buying the jersey of a highly touted prospect that hasn’t proved himself.

Just look at the history of Chicago Cubs prospects over the past 10 years before you invest in that Castro jersey. Prior, Strange, Patterson, Pie… or take a look at the buyer’s remorse being felt on the south side by the Gordon Beckham fans. Let the guy get a few reps before making that 2am purchase on NFL.com.

Know Your Role
This one only applies to football jerseys, but you need to take it into consideration. If you’re 5’8” and weigh 250, don’t kid yourself and buy a skill position jersey. You need to stick to the linemen. Conversely, if you’re 5’5” and 125, you can’t go with a lineman or a running back or linebacker. It’s a lot like painting your chest with your buddies to spell out the name of your team… the fat guy is always the “o” and the skinny guy is always the “i.”

If you’re wondering why this doesn’t apply to basketball jerseys the reason is simple. There is absolutely no possible situation in which a grown man should even wear an NBA jersey.

Screw You Marvin Miller
First off, Marvin Miller not being in the Hall of Fame makes Santo’s exclusion look excusable in comparison. They elected Bowie Kuhn, who Miller owned in 15 years of negotiations. It’s the equivalent of calling Carthage the greatest empire in the history of man despite the fact that Rome won all three Punic Wars.

But he’s also the reason why Cubs fans shouldn’t wear a Maddux Cubs jersey. It essential celebrates the fact that your team was dumb enough to let the greatest pitcher of his generation to walk in his prime. So before you buy that jersey make sure that Scott Boras isn’t the player's agent and your boy won’t spend the next 10 years in pinstripes before going into the Hall as a Yankee.

The Man Behind the Jersey
The short way to explain this is O.J. Simpson. But the long way is more fun.

You need to ask yourself if you’d like to have a beer with the guy. Do you want to have to spend the entire evening explaining to the guy how the napkin dispenser works? Is there a chance that your evening will end with you having to dispose of a handgun? Or will you have to listen to the guy talking about the difference between Christian Rock and Contemporary Christian Rock? If you can’t enjoy a beer with the guy, you shouldn’t wear the jersey. This isn’t to be confused with the “would your wife let you enjoy a beer with the guy” question. If that were the question then Tim Tebow jerseys would be flying off the shelf. Oh wait, they are? That violates every principle of intelligent jersey buying.

So those are the simple rules to follow before throwing down $150 on an article of clothing that can't be worn to anything other than sporting event and your wedding. So either make that investment in your 20s or save up a couple of extra bills for that throwback jersey if you wait until your my age.