When I originally set out to write this blog, I was planning to write about the Tim Tebow Focus on the Family ad. But not in the manner that the other 4,576 blogs and columns took on this issue… so hold the hate mail and angry comments. I don’t want to turn the comment log into an awkward dinner party with the Palins and Kuciniches.
Kucinich: “Please pass the merlot… or do you think we should wait for the free market to send it along”
Palin: “You betcha Mr O’Kucinich. BTW, I found your speech on the floor of the House interesting but let me ask a follow up question. Do you hate America because you’re a commie or is there another reason?”
Getting involved in that debate is more dangerous than standing between Jesse Jackson and a television camera.
No, my quest was reviewing the logic of forking over about $2.6 for 30 seconds with no real product to move. Is paying that much money for an ad the best way to advance the organization’s vision? Could that money have been better spent somewhere else – I imagine trying to paint a Supreme Court nominee as a cross between Stalin and Neville Chamberlain is very expensive. Would donors feel this is a good use of their money?
What are they trying to accomplish here – do they not think this debate gets enough attention? After all, the road is littered with small-to-mid size organization buying a Super Bowl ad for no good reason and then ending in bankruptcy 2 years later.
So I went to the Focus on the Family website and started to search for some financial information. Well, there’s no financial information to be found---but that’s where this article takes a hard left into WTFville. The FAQs.
Most of these are pretty run of the mill… how to contact the organization, information about their charitable initiatives. And there are a few slightly odd ones that get a bit specific into family issues. But then there’s #21 on the list.
“How can I motivate my freeloading 27-year-old daughter?”
Wow. Freeloading daughters must be common issue amongst the Christian right. After recovering from what I believe to be a minor stroke, my mind instantly starting picking this apart. Why 27, is it OK to freeload up until 26? Is it OK to freeload if you’re a man? If she was a married, childless, stay-at-home housewife that didn’t keep up the house would it be OK?
Unfortunately, the answer isn’t as mind-bending as the question; it’s a predictable “tough love” argument. Although if I was counseling these naïve parents I might ask a few follow-up questions about jam music and odd tobacco-like smells emanating from the basement.
And now my mind is shot to the point where I can’t think of a coherent close to this entry. So I’ll take the easy way out and post a few other gems farther down the Focus on the Family Q&A along with my thoughts. And let me answer this question before you ask it… these are actual, word-for-word, unedited questions on the website.
“What are your concerns about legalized gambling?” – If I was Focus on the Family, my only concern would be if Bill Bennett is on my Board of Directors.
“Do you think I should tell my wife when another woman makes a pass at me?” – Absolutely. Heck, if it doesn’t happen regularly you should make up a story every now and then. You need her to think you’re still in demand.
“I need help with the problem of pornography; can you help me?” or “What can I do about pornography in my community and/or on my computer?” – Ask your 15 year old son how to clear out your browsing history so your wife doesn’t find out. Or your freeloading 27 year old daughter… that should sufficiently freak her out to the point where she’ll get a job and move out of your basement. That’s what we in the real world call getting two birds with stone… I’m not sure what it’s called in the porn business but I’m guessing it costs extra.
How should I discipline a child with ADHD? – Quickly.
Is it OK to permit sassiness from my child as an emotional outlet? – No, sassiness is a gateway emotion. Before you know it, you’ll have a smart alec on your hands… and then you have a real problem.
Can my husband's deteriorating health be caused by his affair? – I’m pretty sure this is the definition of an STD.
What can parents do to improve public schools? – If you’re still on the Focus on the Family FAQs at this point, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet your child is home schooled… don’t worry about the public schools, focus on your kid’s crippling lack of ability to socialize with other kids.
What about Halloween? – It’s on October 31… you should have candy available for trick or treaters… it becomes a very different holiday when you go away to college… anything else you need to know?
How can I deal with my young daughter's bad moods? – Harshly, if not you’re likely to have a 27 year old freeloader on your hands down the road.
If my husband drinks a lot but doesn't get drunk, is he an alcoholic? – No… you’re probably just slowly sucking the life out of him.
In what direction is the pornography industry moving these days? – Is anyone else wondering why Focus on the Family seems to be an expert on this topic?
Has Focus on the Family reviewed William P. Young’s novel, The Shack? – Not yet… this porno thing is taking more time than they thought.
Is this e-mail an Internet hoax? – This isn’t an email Sparky, but I’m beginning to think this message board may be a hoax… I’m on my fifth “you can’t be serious” and I’m only 20% through this thing.
How can my fiancée and I avoid divorce? – Let me know if this solution is too complex… call off the wedding.
Why can't my wife and I get along, even when we want to? I’m guessing it’s because you ask questions like this on a regular basis.
Does my husband have the right to continue a gay lifestyle and marriage to me? – Only if you’re Senator from Idaho or a high profile pastor that publically and adamantly insists being gay is a sin.
What do you think about date rape when a girl has given a guy the come-on? – I’m speechless. I guess this proves that morals and religion don’t go hand in hand.
Where can I read more about Islam on this Web site? – I’m sure too many aspiring Muslims find themselves here.
What are the prospects for the very pretty or handsome child? – This goes back to the home schooling issue.
Why is it important for citizens to be involved in the political process? – It’s important to attempt to counter the influence of this organization.
Well, 400 words later I still don’t have a good close… but I do have fodder for another entry. I’ll tackle the last 2/3 of the Best of these FAQs in another entry. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to seek medical attention for this stroke.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
An Open Letter to the Chicago Blackhawks
Gentleman,
While I have greatly enjoyed the 2009-2010 season to-date and know little about the game of hockey beyond what I learned in NHL ’94 on the Sega Genesis I feel I need to take this opportunity to impart some advice that will pay dividends for the team down the road.
Here’s a general piece of advice about going shirtless at a party. Don’t. Yes, there are obvious exceptions with pool/beach parties, but if you’re partying in Vancouver in the middle of winter there really isn’t any good reason to go Tracy Morgan on us. And if you’re in a limo with mixed company and only the guys have their shirts off, you really need to rethink your situation to the point that joining a book club might be a better option.
And while I cannot condone, I can understand your mistake. In one’s early 20s, the decision making skills of a guy who’s had a few beverages ranks somewhere between “let’s pick a fight with that Russian guy with the scar” and “she’s hot, so what if she told the cabbie to drop us off at a trailer park.” But by the time someone is old enough to rent a car they should know better. I’m looking at you John Madden.
This isn’t 2000. You weren’t signed because you’re capable of putting up a decent +/- number at the age of 36. You were signed to bring some leadership to the team - this is precisely the type of situation you were brought into prevent. You’re supposed to be the voice of reason. The one that says “drinking out of the Stanley Cup may seem like a good idea, but do you know where that thing has been.” But I shouldn’t be too hard on you Mr. Madden, at least you’re keeping Kane out of cabs.
And while these photos were only embarrassing, and not incriminating, you’re now going to be subjected years and years of these photos being put on posters at opposing arenas and teammates busting your chops in the locker room.
In closing, keep up the good work on the ice fellas. But your lives will infinitely improve if you keep your shirts on off the ice.
While I have greatly enjoyed the 2009-2010 season to-date and know little about the game of hockey beyond what I learned in NHL ’94 on the Sega Genesis I feel I need to take this opportunity to impart some advice that will pay dividends for the team down the road.
Here’s a general piece of advice about going shirtless at a party. Don’t. Yes, there are obvious exceptions with pool/beach parties, but if you’re partying in Vancouver in the middle of winter there really isn’t any good reason to go Tracy Morgan on us. And if you’re in a limo with mixed company and only the guys have their shirts off, you really need to rethink your situation to the point that joining a book club might be a better option.
And while I cannot condone, I can understand your mistake. In one’s early 20s, the decision making skills of a guy who’s had a few beverages ranks somewhere between “let’s pick a fight with that Russian guy with the scar” and “she’s hot, so what if she told the cabbie to drop us off at a trailer park.” But by the time someone is old enough to rent a car they should know better. I’m looking at you John Madden.
This isn’t 2000. You weren’t signed because you’re capable of putting up a decent +/- number at the age of 36. You were signed to bring some leadership to the team - this is precisely the type of situation you were brought into prevent. You’re supposed to be the voice of reason. The one that says “drinking out of the Stanley Cup may seem like a good idea, but do you know where that thing has been.” But I shouldn’t be too hard on you Mr. Madden, at least you’re keeping Kane out of cabs.
And while these photos were only embarrassing, and not incriminating, you’re now going to be subjected years and years of these photos being put on posters at opposing arenas and teammates busting your chops in the locker room.
In closing, keep up the good work on the ice fellas. But your lives will infinitely improve if you keep your shirts on off the ice.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I Guess It's Time to Print Those World Series Tickets
The Cubs signed Greg Maddux to serve in an as-of-yet undefined role in their front office. And Cubs fans reacted predictably - their overreaction made the 2009 offseason moves involving DeRosa and Bradley seem quaint. And the reactions were consistent, they ranged from brilliant to outstanding. Because we all remember the difference Ernie Banks made when he served as a special assistant to the GM in the 1970s after retiring... without Banks Ivan DeJesus would have never developed into the baseball legend that he is today.
I’ve got news for us Cubs fans. This isn’t the 1994 version of Greg Maddux that put up the greatest season by a pitcher in the modern era. The Cubs decided that they could win without him 15 years ago. This isn’t even the 2004 version of Greg Maddux that can stabilize the backend of a rotation. The Cubs learned that they couldn’t win with him 5 years ago. This is the 2010 version of Greg Maddux. Who may or may not be able to undermine Larry Rothschild and the dreaded towel drill.
There isn’t exactly a long list of Hall of Fame players that successfully moved into management roles. I can’t think of one baseball player who navigated this successfully; and outside of the Baltimore Ravens’ Ozzie Newsome I can’t think of one outstanding baseball or basketball GM who was a Hall of Fame player*.
* If you’re thinking Jerry West think again. The man was handed Magic and Kareem, had the can’t miss choice of Dominique or Worthy to fill a small forward hole and lured Shaq to LA by forcing Kazaam on all of us; West just understood the simple idea that you don’t overpay aging role players. Yes, he traded Vlade Divac for Kobe. Congrats. Jim Hendry traded He Sop Choi for Derek Lee. One trade does not make a genius.
Maddux is regarded as one of the smartest pitchers of the era. His brother is a highly thought of pitching coach. I imagine he’s better than any instructor the Cubs have in their minor league system. So yes, having the greatest pitcher of the modern era in your front office isn’t a bad thing.
But I’d rather have a statistician with a PowerPoint entitled “On-Base Percentage: It’s Not Necessarily a Bad Thing to ‘Clog’ the Bases.” Or, if Hendry is averse to employing basic statistics in his player evaluations, how about a wannabe agent who at least read the Wikipedia page on negotiating tactics so the Cubs can stop singing players in their late 30s to long-term contracts for 150% of market value.
But since those are all pie in the sky dreams I’ll just have to live with a retired Hall of Fame pitcher who may be able to help Marmol find the strike zone and hope that one of the interns can explain the arbitration process to Hendry.
I’ve got news for us Cubs fans. This isn’t the 1994 version of Greg Maddux that put up the greatest season by a pitcher in the modern era. The Cubs decided that they could win without him 15 years ago. This isn’t even the 2004 version of Greg Maddux that can stabilize the backend of a rotation. The Cubs learned that they couldn’t win with him 5 years ago. This is the 2010 version of Greg Maddux. Who may or may not be able to undermine Larry Rothschild and the dreaded towel drill.
There isn’t exactly a long list of Hall of Fame players that successfully moved into management roles. I can’t think of one baseball player who navigated this successfully; and outside of the Baltimore Ravens’ Ozzie Newsome I can’t think of one outstanding baseball or basketball GM who was a Hall of Fame player*.
* If you’re thinking Jerry West think again. The man was handed Magic and Kareem, had the can’t miss choice of Dominique or Worthy to fill a small forward hole and lured Shaq to LA by forcing Kazaam on all of us; West just understood the simple idea that you don’t overpay aging role players. Yes, he traded Vlade Divac for Kobe. Congrats. Jim Hendry traded He Sop Choi for Derek Lee. One trade does not make a genius.
Maddux is regarded as one of the smartest pitchers of the era. His brother is a highly thought of pitching coach. I imagine he’s better than any instructor the Cubs have in their minor league system. So yes, having the greatest pitcher of the modern era in your front office isn’t a bad thing.
But I’d rather have a statistician with a PowerPoint entitled “On-Base Percentage: It’s Not Necessarily a Bad Thing to ‘Clog’ the Bases.” Or, if Hendry is averse to employing basic statistics in his player evaluations, how about a wannabe agent who at least read the Wikipedia page on negotiating tactics so the Cubs can stop singing players in their late 30s to long-term contracts for 150% of market value.
But since those are all pie in the sky dreams I’ll just have to live with a retired Hall of Fame pitcher who may be able to help Marmol find the strike zone and hope that one of the interns can explain the arbitration process to Hendry.
Monday, January 11, 2010
I, Cleatus
The Fox Sports Robot, who is apparently named Cleatus in an apparent attempt to appeal to the only demographic that could possibly think the robot is a good idea, makes its presence felt once again during NFL Wild Card Sunday. And not in a good way.
This robot’s behavior makes you wish that Asimov came up with a fourth law of robotics prohibiting douchey behavior. In his 120 seconds of airtime Cleatus manages to make the a Friday night at the Jersey Shore look like a lecture on 18th Century French Literature at Oxford.
Even the folks that gave us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire can’t be blind to the complete and total lack of appeal the robot brings.
The Special Teamer
At the beginning of each game Cleatus warms up to ensure he doesn’t pull a hydraulic or tear his bypass line. And, as only Cleatus can do, he manages to get the douch-o-meter in the red in less than 3 seconds by running in place and shaking his leg loose. Think about who you’ve known that warms up for a football game in this manner. If you’re drawing a blank don’t worry, there’s only one known example… the special teamer.
If you played high school football you know the special teamer. This guy was a workout warrior in the summer. He probably led the team in the bench press, weight room grunts and knowledge of the supplement selection at GNC. Unfortunately, this guy had no athletic ability. But the coach liked his dedication so he put him on the kickoff team where he’d mindlessly throw himself into the return wedge 4-5 times a night. The rest of the night he’d spend pacing up and down the sideline, running in place and shaking his legs loose while yelling things like “I like this kind of party”, “protect this house” and other sayings he picked up from Under Armor commercials and NFL Films clips on John Randle. Coincidently, he’s also the most likely to have his high school football number on his license plate at the 10 year reunion.
The Pose Down
Cleatus is also a regular attendee of the gun show, and he’s not afraid to go into full pose down mode for no good reason.
I think there are three valid reasons for posing down. One, you’re a six year old who just got the lid off the peanut butter for his mom. Two, if Also sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 happens to be playing in the background… and then the posing must be done in sync with the music, complete with a synchronized pec dance when the percussion kicks in. Three, the Chris Farley “do you know where the gym is” routine to impress a random chick; used most memorably in Tommy Boy. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip so you’ll have to be content with this. From what I can see none of these situations applied on Sunday.
Guitar Hero
This one’s easy, you’re not allowed to fake playing the guitar unless your name is Hulk Hogan. This is his exclusive domain per the Supreme Court decision Cheese v. Good Taste.
Easy There Big Fella
Every now and then a lineman makes it into the end zone. And every time this happens there’s a split second freeze after the score when they realize they have no idea how to handle the celebration. Usually they realize they took too long to decide and go with the awkward spike. But sometimes an old clip of the Ickey Shuffle or Billy “White Shoes” Johnson gets in there and the results are pretty horrible. But why does an animated robot have horrible moves? Does the guy in charge of animating him fail to understand what makes up a good touchdown dance? At least they can have the robot re-create some of those great celebrations the NFL doesn’t let players do anymore. C’mon Cleatus, act like you’ve been there before.
The White Man Overbite
Yes, the robot dances. And if you saw its touchdown celebration, you’re pretty safe in assuming that Cleatus is a lousy dancer. But at least he acknowledges this much by limiting his shimmy to the electric slide. Apparently starting the lawn mower and throwing dice were a little too modern. At least they could have given him a couple of glow sticks to distract the viewer from the fact he moves about as Orlando Pace.
So while the best would be to put Cleatus out to pasture this year, I’m not going to trust the folks at Fox to make a decision in good taste. So could we at least create some animations that better reflect the typical football fan. Can we get a shot of Cleatus in a Lazy-Boy scratching himself in his sleep? Eating crumbs off his Marcus Allen Chiefs jersey? Sucking in his beer belly whenever the waitress comes to take their order? This would better resonate with the average viewer and make Cleatus a bit easier to deal with on Sundays.
This robot’s behavior makes you wish that Asimov came up with a fourth law of robotics prohibiting douchey behavior. In his 120 seconds of airtime Cleatus manages to make the a Friday night at the Jersey Shore look like a lecture on 18th Century French Literature at Oxford.
Even the folks that gave us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire can’t be blind to the complete and total lack of appeal the robot brings.
The Special Teamer
At the beginning of each game Cleatus warms up to ensure he doesn’t pull a hydraulic or tear his bypass line. And, as only Cleatus can do, he manages to get the douch-o-meter in the red in less than 3 seconds by running in place and shaking his leg loose. Think about who you’ve known that warms up for a football game in this manner. If you’re drawing a blank don’t worry, there’s only one known example… the special teamer.
If you played high school football you know the special teamer. This guy was a workout warrior in the summer. He probably led the team in the bench press, weight room grunts and knowledge of the supplement selection at GNC. Unfortunately, this guy had no athletic ability. But the coach liked his dedication so he put him on the kickoff team where he’d mindlessly throw himself into the return wedge 4-5 times a night. The rest of the night he’d spend pacing up and down the sideline, running in place and shaking his legs loose while yelling things like “I like this kind of party”, “protect this house” and other sayings he picked up from Under Armor commercials and NFL Films clips on John Randle. Coincidently, he’s also the most likely to have his high school football number on his license plate at the 10 year reunion.
The Pose Down
Cleatus is also a regular attendee of the gun show, and he’s not afraid to go into full pose down mode for no good reason.
I think there are three valid reasons for posing down. One, you’re a six year old who just got the lid off the peanut butter for his mom. Two, if Also sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 happens to be playing in the background… and then the posing must be done in sync with the music, complete with a synchronized pec dance when the percussion kicks in. Three, the Chris Farley “do you know where the gym is” routine to impress a random chick; used most memorably in Tommy Boy. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip so you’ll have to be content with this. From what I can see none of these situations applied on Sunday.
Guitar Hero
This one’s easy, you’re not allowed to fake playing the guitar unless your name is Hulk Hogan. This is his exclusive domain per the Supreme Court decision Cheese v. Good Taste.
Easy There Big Fella
Every now and then a lineman makes it into the end zone. And every time this happens there’s a split second freeze after the score when they realize they have no idea how to handle the celebration. Usually they realize they took too long to decide and go with the awkward spike. But sometimes an old clip of the Ickey Shuffle or Billy “White Shoes” Johnson gets in there and the results are pretty horrible. But why does an animated robot have horrible moves? Does the guy in charge of animating him fail to understand what makes up a good touchdown dance? At least they can have the robot re-create some of those great celebrations the NFL doesn’t let players do anymore. C’mon Cleatus, act like you’ve been there before.
The White Man Overbite
Yes, the robot dances. And if you saw its touchdown celebration, you’re pretty safe in assuming that Cleatus is a lousy dancer. But at least he acknowledges this much by limiting his shimmy to the electric slide. Apparently starting the lawn mower and throwing dice were a little too modern. At least they could have given him a couple of glow sticks to distract the viewer from the fact he moves about as Orlando Pace.
So while the best would be to put Cleatus out to pasture this year, I’m not going to trust the folks at Fox to make a decision in good taste. So could we at least create some animations that better reflect the typical football fan. Can we get a shot of Cleatus in a Lazy-Boy scratching himself in his sleep? Eating crumbs off his Marcus Allen Chiefs jersey? Sucking in his beer belly whenever the waitress comes to take their order? This would better resonate with the average viewer and make Cleatus a bit easier to deal with on Sundays.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Out with the Old, In with More of the Same
With the trade of Milton Bradley the Cubs closed to book on a disappointing 2009 season. And with the signing of Marlon Byrd, the Cubs kicked off 2010 with a business-as-usual signing that will likely condemn them to a disappointing 2010 season. Even the Cubs themselves seem to acknowledge this – one of the lead stories on their own web site this weekend is “Cubs Banking on Bounce Back Campaigns in 2010.” Yeah, that’s always a good sign in January. Someone needs to tell the Cubs front-office that with steroid testing players are regressing after the age of 30 again.
Bradley for Silva and cash is excusable - having Bradley in a Cubs uniform was destined to end in one of a few ways:
1) Piniella killing Bradley
2) Bradley killing Piniella… then blaming the media
3) An Artest-like mêlée in the right field bleachers (this is one instance in which the inability of any Cubs outfielder to make consistent contact would pay off)
4) A combination of the above scenarios… with Bradley again blaming the media
But the unfortunate part of this trade is that it brought back a pitcher whose only value is to create the optical illusion that Carlos spent his offseason getting into shape…. Or to possibly give Carlos something soft in the clubhouse to beat up. Because if you’re thinking that the $6 million the Mariners kicked in would give the Cubs some ability to re-shape the roster you forgot who is in charge of re-shaping said roster.
Going into 2010 the Cubs have problems at second (or at shortstop if you’re of the opinion that The Riot is better used at second), center and left field (whoops, we’re not supposed to say that out loud). The bullpen and rotation won’t exactly remind you of the 1963 Dodgers but it will work in the National League Central. So sure, Marlon Byrd makes sense… until you consider that he got a 3-year, $15 million deal that is likely a Hendry back-end special that will create the need for a Jim Hendry salary dump special in December 2011.
So the Cubs use up the remainder of their budget to sign a 32 year-old center fielder who may or may not be an everyday outfielder. But here’s a thought, instead of using $15 million to fill your center field hole with that type of player why not use $2-3 million to sign another 32 year old guy who may or may not be an everyday major league outfielder… there’s got to be a player out there that fits this profile. Hmmm… oh yeah, he’s already on your roster.
Reed Johnson (with Cubs) .287 / .348 / .418
Marlon Byrd (2009) .283 / .329 / .479
That doesn’t look like a $12 million difference. And if you think that Reed will break down keep Sam Fuld on the roster. Chances are that Sam’s not an everyday player either but he only costs minimum wage… leaving money to be spent elsewhere. And if Sam doesn’t work out and you’re still in contention (of course, falling out of contention in the NL Central would take a 1919 World Series level dive) you could always pick up Kenny Lofton in July.
So now the Cubs are looking at having little-to-no budget left with a gaping hole at second, a rotation with no ability to absorb any injury (and Ted Lilly is out until May BTW… get used to a lot of Jeff Smarzdija fastballs hitting the home plate netting and Carlos Silva “fastballs” landing on Waveland) and a thin bullpen for a team that doesn’t have a lot of starters that go deep into games. Sounds like a great idea.
Well, at least the Cubs aren’t looking at signing any other over-the-hill players that may or may not be drawing social security already. Wait, you’ve gotta be effin’ kidding me. I hope that talk is about an usher position.
Bradley for Silva and cash is excusable - having Bradley in a Cubs uniform was destined to end in one of a few ways:
1) Piniella killing Bradley
2) Bradley killing Piniella… then blaming the media
3) An Artest-like mêlée in the right field bleachers (this is one instance in which the inability of any Cubs outfielder to make consistent contact would pay off)
4) A combination of the above scenarios… with Bradley again blaming the media
But the unfortunate part of this trade is that it brought back a pitcher whose only value is to create the optical illusion that Carlos spent his offseason getting into shape…. Or to possibly give Carlos something soft in the clubhouse to beat up. Because if you’re thinking that the $6 million the Mariners kicked in would give the Cubs some ability to re-shape the roster you forgot who is in charge of re-shaping said roster.
Going into 2010 the Cubs have problems at second (or at shortstop if you’re of the opinion that The Riot is better used at second), center and left field (whoops, we’re not supposed to say that out loud). The bullpen and rotation won’t exactly remind you of the 1963 Dodgers but it will work in the National League Central. So sure, Marlon Byrd makes sense… until you consider that he got a 3-year, $15 million deal that is likely a Hendry back-end special that will create the need for a Jim Hendry salary dump special in December 2011.
So the Cubs use up the remainder of their budget to sign a 32 year-old center fielder who may or may not be an everyday outfielder. But here’s a thought, instead of using $15 million to fill your center field hole with that type of player why not use $2-3 million to sign another 32 year old guy who may or may not be an everyday major league outfielder… there’s got to be a player out there that fits this profile. Hmmm… oh yeah, he’s already on your roster.
Reed Johnson (with Cubs) .287 / .348 / .418
Marlon Byrd (2009) .283 / .329 / .479
That doesn’t look like a $12 million difference. And if you think that Reed will break down keep Sam Fuld on the roster. Chances are that Sam’s not an everyday player either but he only costs minimum wage… leaving money to be spent elsewhere. And if Sam doesn’t work out and you’re still in contention (of course, falling out of contention in the NL Central would take a 1919 World Series level dive) you could always pick up Kenny Lofton in July.
So now the Cubs are looking at having little-to-no budget left with a gaping hole at second, a rotation with no ability to absorb any injury (and Ted Lilly is out until May BTW… get used to a lot of Jeff Smarzdija fastballs hitting the home plate netting and Carlos Silva “fastballs” landing on Waveland) and a thin bullpen for a team that doesn’t have a lot of starters that go deep into games. Sounds like a great idea.
Well, at least the Cubs aren’t looking at signing any other over-the-hill players that may or may not be drawing social security already. Wait, you’ve gotta be effin’ kidding me. I hope that talk is about an usher position.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Not-so-Free Willy
Typically when someone goes off on their “corporations are evil” speeches I just stay silent until they zip up their Northface coat, grab their Starbuck latte, start up their Toyota Prius and head off to Target to pick up a copy of Toy Story for their kid’s sleepover party. But this is one case in which the hippies might be right.
In case you don’t want to read the long version in the link above, here’s a quick summary.
That “culture of responsible gaming” doesn’t appear to be relative to at least one competitor. The gambler in question was a frequent patron of Wynn’s prior to moving to Harrah’s in 2007. But “his heavy betting attracted the attention of Wynn’s CEO,” who met with the gambler, determined he had a problem and barred him from his casinos. That act speaks more to a culture of responsible gaming than a web page, series of television commercials and a mission statement.
But Harrah’s manages to rocket past bullshit customer friendly façade and take this to a level that can best be described by a Dennis Leary song. Apparently, taking over $100 million off of him in a year isn’t quite enough. Harrah’s has the guy facing criminal charges for failing to repay a $14 million marker the casino issued him, which in Nevada means that he’s facing down 28 year prison sentence. By my math this guy is getting one third of what Bernie Madoff got… and while it took Madoff 20 years to ruin the lives of thousands of people, it took the casino only a year to ruin this guy’s life. Yeah, that seems fair.
You’ll forgive me if I have trouble emphasizing with Harrah’s, because on top of the moral problems on display I am only slightly less disgusted with their lack of intelligence. Running a casino is a highly competitive, complex business built on long-term statistical odds that play to the house’s favor. And for all this “talent” running the company, you’d think that someone might have raised a red flag before extending a $14 million marker to a guy that’s $100 million in the hole for the year. I’m not sure I need a Harvard MBA to see that this might not be a great investment.
All in all not a very good showing for Harrah’s. Take a man’s personal fortune in a single year, check. Push to throw a man in prison for 28 years because of behavior you enabled, encouraged and profited handsomely from, check. Destroy corporate reputation, check.
- Poorly socialized child is groomed into running the family business and builds an empire in the party-favor industry (and yes, in this case empire is not being thrown around loosely).
- Businessman looses $127 million gambling at Harrah’s… in 2007 alone… accounting for over 5% of Harrah’s total revenue from Las Vegas area gambling that year.
- Harrah’s sues businessman for $14 million after he fails to repay a gambling line of credit they extended him.
But Harrah’s manages to rocket past bullshit customer friendly façade and take this to a level that can best be described by a Dennis Leary song. Apparently, taking over $100 million off of him in a year isn’t quite enough. Harrah’s has the guy facing criminal charges for failing to repay a $14 million marker the casino issued him, which in Nevada means that he’s facing down 28 year prison sentence. By my math this guy is getting one third of what Bernie Madoff got… and while it took Madoff 20 years to ruin the lives of thousands of people, it took the casino only a year to ruin this guy’s life. Yeah, that seems fair.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Psychology of Irrational Exuberance
Irrational exuberance isn’t just for financial bubbles anymore; it can be translated to any situation in which you ignore mounting evidence that a good thing is about to go bad.
Got a new girlfriend that’s way out of your league? Wondering why she wouldn’t let you borrow her chap stick, always has loads of small bills that smell like aloe and has a wide assortment of body lotions that all contain glitter? To the impartial observer that’s a clear case of a stripper with raging herpes. But to the guy who’s about to get that first “random” cold sore, he looks past all of the clear evidence for the typo riddled text message from Porsche at 4am asking what he’s up to.
And when we look back with the benefit of hindsight we ask ourselves how we could have been so stupid to ignore such obvious signs. It’s quite simple. We see what we want to see until reality wakes us up with a shift kick to the jimmy.
This Saturday, irrational exuberance reared its ugly head Kinnick Stadium. For 9 weeks Iowa has been winning game after game that it had no business winning. Normally a glass half empty guy, I went on the record as giving Iowa a 20% shot to get smoked in the National Title game, treating the Big Ten title like it was Kirk Ferentz’s birthright.
We ignored the warning signs; an inability to consistently move the ball… injuries piling up on a team that no one is mistaking for having USC-like depth… a penchant for turnovers… the lack of a gamebreaker at the skill positions. (And for all of those fans who want to drop Marvin McNutt’s name here let’s put it this way. Sure he’s a great college player who may even be able to bulk up a bit and develop into an Ernest Wilford type player in the NFL. But if your argument is based on Marvin McNutt’s ability to out run Indiana’s entire secondary for 90 yards, you need to find a new measuring stick. Indiana is a Division I football program in name only.)
The chickens came home to roost in the form of a moderately talented Northwestern team that may or may not be able to win the Motor City Bowl. And this is key because if this happened versus OSU the bubble would not have burst. Then it would have been a simple case of an “elite” team losing to another “elite” team on their home field. There’s no shame in getting knocked out by George Foreman (the angry 1970s version… not the benevolent 1990s version), but when Gerry Cooney puts you on the canvas you start to reconsider your life view.
So now the flaws are apparent to even the most myopic fans. If we wondered why Ferentz was sticking with Stanzi despite his penchant for throwing picks, our questions were answered on Saturday. We told ourselves that Ken O’Keefe was playing possum with the play calling and saving a little something up his sleeve for OSU. But then we watched him call a naked bootleg in his own end zone and then air it out 27 times in just over two quarters with an unheralded redshirt freshman with 3 previous pass attempts and remembered that his play selection is more limited than the orignal TECMO Bowl.
This bubble did hurt. This team was our everyman. No one stood out; they just went about their business every Saturday, gave us a heart attack and won. But eventually, the next man in philosophy will fail. But in terms of the typical case of irrational exuberance this one is fairly mild. Fortunately for us, this bout of irrational exuberance didn’t cost us any money… unless you already put down a non-refundable deposit on airfare and hotel to Pasadena. And unlike most other forms of irrational exuberance, this one is a rare case in which the rollercoaster ride to the top was worth the inevitable crash. Coming into this year, Iowa had the catch. Now, we get to ask which one.
So the Hawks journey on to OSU and the land of jean shorts with an uneven redshirt freshman under center. Vegas will likely post Iowa to be 20 point dogs now that Terrell Pryor seems to have entered into the “game manager” category of quarterback evaluation and Iowa’s QB will still be in the “who is this guy’s backup” category. Maybe Iowa has one more miracle up their sleeves, but the realistic goal from here on out has to be to make it interesting in Columbus, hoist the pig in two weeks and head into a January 1 bowl game with a chance to make a statement for 2010.
Got a new girlfriend that’s way out of your league? Wondering why she wouldn’t let you borrow her chap stick, always has loads of small bills that smell like aloe and has a wide assortment of body lotions that all contain glitter? To the impartial observer that’s a clear case of a stripper with raging herpes. But to the guy who’s about to get that first “random” cold sore, he looks past all of the clear evidence for the typo riddled text message from Porsche at 4am asking what he’s up to.
And when we look back with the benefit of hindsight we ask ourselves how we could have been so stupid to ignore such obvious signs. It’s quite simple. We see what we want to see until reality wakes us up with a shift kick to the jimmy.
This Saturday, irrational exuberance reared its ugly head Kinnick Stadium. For 9 weeks Iowa has been winning game after game that it had no business winning. Normally a glass half empty guy, I went on the record as giving Iowa a 20% shot to get smoked in the National Title game, treating the Big Ten title like it was Kirk Ferentz’s birthright.
We ignored the warning signs; an inability to consistently move the ball… injuries piling up on a team that no one is mistaking for having USC-like depth… a penchant for turnovers… the lack of a gamebreaker at the skill positions. (And for all of those fans who want to drop Marvin McNutt’s name here let’s put it this way. Sure he’s a great college player who may even be able to bulk up a bit and develop into an Ernest Wilford type player in the NFL. But if your argument is based on Marvin McNutt’s ability to out run Indiana’s entire secondary for 90 yards, you need to find a new measuring stick. Indiana is a Division I football program in name only.)
The chickens came home to roost in the form of a moderately talented Northwestern team that may or may not be able to win the Motor City Bowl. And this is key because if this happened versus OSU the bubble would not have burst. Then it would have been a simple case of an “elite” team losing to another “elite” team on their home field. There’s no shame in getting knocked out by George Foreman (the angry 1970s version… not the benevolent 1990s version), but when Gerry Cooney puts you on the canvas you start to reconsider your life view.
So now the flaws are apparent to even the most myopic fans. If we wondered why Ferentz was sticking with Stanzi despite his penchant for throwing picks, our questions were answered on Saturday. We told ourselves that Ken O’Keefe was playing possum with the play calling and saving a little something up his sleeve for OSU. But then we watched him call a naked bootleg in his own end zone and then air it out 27 times in just over two quarters with an unheralded redshirt freshman with 3 previous pass attempts and remembered that his play selection is more limited than the orignal TECMO Bowl.
This bubble did hurt. This team was our everyman. No one stood out; they just went about their business every Saturday, gave us a heart attack and won. But eventually, the next man in philosophy will fail. But in terms of the typical case of irrational exuberance this one is fairly mild. Fortunately for us, this bout of irrational exuberance didn’t cost us any money… unless you already put down a non-refundable deposit on airfare and hotel to Pasadena. And unlike most other forms of irrational exuberance, this one is a rare case in which the rollercoaster ride to the top was worth the inevitable crash. Coming into this year, Iowa had the catch. Now, we get to ask which one.
So the Hawks journey on to OSU and the land of jean shorts with an uneven redshirt freshman under center. Vegas will likely post Iowa to be 20 point dogs now that Terrell Pryor seems to have entered into the “game manager” category of quarterback evaluation and Iowa’s QB will still be in the “who is this guy’s backup” category. Maybe Iowa has one more miracle up their sleeves, but the realistic goal from here on out has to be to make it interesting in Columbus, hoist the pig in two weeks and head into a January 1 bowl game with a chance to make a statement for 2010.
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