The Non-Mitchell Report List

With Sammy Sosa and Alex Rodriguez being named as two of the 104 players who tested positive when the league did its "confidential" testing of major league players in 2003 there's a lot of folks out there speculating who else is on that list. But there aren't too many folks speculating who's not on the list, except for this guy. But let's face it the other Donald has a bit of a vested interest here.



So let's do a favor for all of those poor, beleaguered major leaguers and come up with a few of the folks who are definitely not on the list.



The 160 pound studs: I'm looking at you Pedro and Greg. We all know that pitchers benefit from steroids with a quicker recovery time but they also tend to leave one with the ability to bench press something north of 125 pounds. And while they may have spent some time in the weight room working on their hitting stroke, I'm pretty sure these guys weren't walking up to Sosa and McGwire and asking them if they were going to the gun show. And while Pedro had a bit of a mean streak it was more of a calculated rage, juicers like Clemens had were prone to fly off the handle for no good reason. If Pedro was on the juice Don Zimmer would have never made it back to the dugout.



The fat kids: Think CC Sabathia and Lance Berkman. If these guys used steroids it was strictly for the purposes of frying bacon. Yes, steroids make you bigger. Yes, steroids can make you grow man boobs. Yes, steroids make bacon taste even better (I imagine). But no, steroids don't lead to a 52 inch waist and the inability to stand on your feet for 10 minutes without breaking into an uncontrollable sweat. Until Ben & Jerry add a Steroid Chocolate Dream flavor to their shelves these guys are safe.



Paul Bako: If you're on the juice and still can't hit .200, you'll probably retire. It's just not worth the side effects. Five years later Paul is still making the argument that the double play ball is not a pitcher's best friend... it's Paul Bako at the plate.



Frank Thomas: I'm pretty sure that if Frank Thomas ever took a performance enhancing drug he'd end up fighting Godzilla and destroying a good portion of Tokyo. The dude was, is and always will be large... and probably the last guy you'd ever consider throwing at as a pitcher. In over 10,000 plate appearances a 6'5", 260 pound man was hit by a pitch exactly 18 times. And if Nolan Ryan beaned him instead of Robin Ventura, the Ryan Express would have given his Hall of Fame induction speech from a wheelchair. (As a bonus you get a nice reminder of Keith O with a mustache with that last link).

Suffice to say that if you had to hit a batter in retaliation you not only waited until Frank was back in the dugout but you waited until he went back to the clubhouse. And for additional evidence the guy played SEC football at 250 pounds. In 2005 his weight was listed as 270. 15 years, 20 pounds equals no juice. 15 months, 20 pounds equals juice.



Ken Griffey Jr.: Steroids mean quicker recovery time from injury. Griffey never met a hamstring injury that couldn't sideline him for 18 months. Think about that. With modern medicine you can shred your ACL and every ligament in your knee and get back on the football field in under a year. Yet Griffey's annual spring training hammy strain would have him cashing checks from his yacht for 18 months.