The Cubs signed Greg Maddux to serve in an as-of-yet undefined role in their front office. And Cubs fans reacted predictably - their overreaction made the 2009 offseason moves involving DeRosa and Bradley seem quaint. And the reactions were consistent, they ranged from brilliant to outstanding. Because we all remember the difference Ernie Banks made when he served as a special assistant to the GM in the 1970s after retiring... without Banks Ivan DeJesus would have never developed into the baseball legend that he is today.
I’ve got news for us Cubs fans. This isn’t the 1994 version of Greg Maddux that put up the greatest season by a pitcher in the modern era. The Cubs decided that they could win without him 15 years ago. This isn’t even the 2004 version of Greg Maddux that can stabilize the backend of a rotation. The Cubs learned that they couldn’t win with him 5 years ago. This is the 2010 version of Greg Maddux. Who may or may not be able to undermine Larry Rothschild and the dreaded towel drill.
There isn’t exactly a long list of Hall of Fame players that successfully moved into management roles. I can’t think of one baseball player who navigated this successfully; and outside of the Baltimore Ravens’ Ozzie Newsome I can’t think of one outstanding baseball or basketball GM who was a Hall of Fame player*.
* If you’re thinking Jerry West think again. The man was handed Magic and Kareem, had the can’t miss choice of Dominique or Worthy to fill a small forward hole and lured Shaq to LA by forcing Kazaam on all of us; West just understood the simple idea that you don’t overpay aging role players. Yes, he traded Vlade Divac for Kobe. Congrats. Jim Hendry traded He Sop Choi for Derek Lee. One trade does not make a genius.
Maddux is regarded as one of the smartest pitchers of the era. His brother is a highly thought of pitching coach. I imagine he’s better than any instructor the Cubs have in their minor league system. So yes, having the greatest pitcher of the modern era in your front office isn’t a bad thing.
But I’d rather have a statistician with a PowerPoint entitled “On-Base Percentage: It’s Not Necessarily a Bad Thing to ‘Clog’ the Bases.” Or, if Hendry is averse to employing basic statistics in his player evaluations, how about a wannabe agent who at least read the Wikipedia page on negotiating tactics so the Cubs can stop singing players in their late 30s to long-term contracts for 150% of market value.
But since those are all pie in the sky dreams I’ll just have to live with a retired Hall of Fame pitcher who may be able to help Marmol find the strike zone and hope that one of the interns can explain the arbitration process to Hendry.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
I, Cleatus
The Fox Sports Robot, who is apparently named Cleatus in an apparent attempt to appeal to the only demographic that could possibly think the robot is a good idea, makes its presence felt once again during NFL Wild Card Sunday. And not in a good way.
This robot’s behavior makes you wish that Asimov came up with a fourth law of robotics prohibiting douchey behavior. In his 120 seconds of airtime Cleatus manages to make the a Friday night at the Jersey Shore look like a lecture on 18th Century French Literature at Oxford.
Even the folks that gave us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire can’t be blind to the complete and total lack of appeal the robot brings.
The Special Teamer
At the beginning of each game Cleatus warms up to ensure he doesn’t pull a hydraulic or tear his bypass line. And, as only Cleatus can do, he manages to get the douch-o-meter in the red in less than 3 seconds by running in place and shaking his leg loose. Think about who you’ve known that warms up for a football game in this manner. If you’re drawing a blank don’t worry, there’s only one known example… the special teamer.
If you played high school football you know the special teamer. This guy was a workout warrior in the summer. He probably led the team in the bench press, weight room grunts and knowledge of the supplement selection at GNC. Unfortunately, this guy had no athletic ability. But the coach liked his dedication so he put him on the kickoff team where he’d mindlessly throw himself into the return wedge 4-5 times a night. The rest of the night he’d spend pacing up and down the sideline, running in place and shaking his legs loose while yelling things like “I like this kind of party”, “protect this house” and other sayings he picked up from Under Armor commercials and NFL Films clips on John Randle. Coincidently, he’s also the most likely to have his high school football number on his license plate at the 10 year reunion.
The Pose Down
Cleatus is also a regular attendee of the gun show, and he’s not afraid to go into full pose down mode for no good reason.
I think there are three valid reasons for posing down. One, you’re a six year old who just got the lid off the peanut butter for his mom. Two, if Also sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 happens to be playing in the background… and then the posing must be done in sync with the music, complete with a synchronized pec dance when the percussion kicks in. Three, the Chris Farley “do you know where the gym is” routine to impress a random chick; used most memorably in Tommy Boy. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip so you’ll have to be content with this. From what I can see none of these situations applied on Sunday.
Guitar Hero
This one’s easy, you’re not allowed to fake playing the guitar unless your name is Hulk Hogan. This is his exclusive domain per the Supreme Court decision Cheese v. Good Taste.
Easy There Big Fella
Every now and then a lineman makes it into the end zone. And every time this happens there’s a split second freeze after the score when they realize they have no idea how to handle the celebration. Usually they realize they took too long to decide and go with the awkward spike. But sometimes an old clip of the Ickey Shuffle or Billy “White Shoes” Johnson gets in there and the results are pretty horrible. But why does an animated robot have horrible moves? Does the guy in charge of animating him fail to understand what makes up a good touchdown dance? At least they can have the robot re-create some of those great celebrations the NFL doesn’t let players do anymore. C’mon Cleatus, act like you’ve been there before.
The White Man Overbite
Yes, the robot dances. And if you saw its touchdown celebration, you’re pretty safe in assuming that Cleatus is a lousy dancer. But at least he acknowledges this much by limiting his shimmy to the electric slide. Apparently starting the lawn mower and throwing dice were a little too modern. At least they could have given him a couple of glow sticks to distract the viewer from the fact he moves about as Orlando Pace.
So while the best would be to put Cleatus out to pasture this year, I’m not going to trust the folks at Fox to make a decision in good taste. So could we at least create some animations that better reflect the typical football fan. Can we get a shot of Cleatus in a Lazy-Boy scratching himself in his sleep? Eating crumbs off his Marcus Allen Chiefs jersey? Sucking in his beer belly whenever the waitress comes to take their order? This would better resonate with the average viewer and make Cleatus a bit easier to deal with on Sundays.
This robot’s behavior makes you wish that Asimov came up with a fourth law of robotics prohibiting douchey behavior. In his 120 seconds of airtime Cleatus manages to make the a Friday night at the Jersey Shore look like a lecture on 18th Century French Literature at Oxford.
Even the folks that gave us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire can’t be blind to the complete and total lack of appeal the robot brings.
The Special Teamer
At the beginning of each game Cleatus warms up to ensure he doesn’t pull a hydraulic or tear his bypass line. And, as only Cleatus can do, he manages to get the douch-o-meter in the red in less than 3 seconds by running in place and shaking his leg loose. Think about who you’ve known that warms up for a football game in this manner. If you’re drawing a blank don’t worry, there’s only one known example… the special teamer.
If you played high school football you know the special teamer. This guy was a workout warrior in the summer. He probably led the team in the bench press, weight room grunts and knowledge of the supplement selection at GNC. Unfortunately, this guy had no athletic ability. But the coach liked his dedication so he put him on the kickoff team where he’d mindlessly throw himself into the return wedge 4-5 times a night. The rest of the night he’d spend pacing up and down the sideline, running in place and shaking his legs loose while yelling things like “I like this kind of party”, “protect this house” and other sayings he picked up from Under Armor commercials and NFL Films clips on John Randle. Coincidently, he’s also the most likely to have his high school football number on his license plate at the 10 year reunion.
The Pose Down
Cleatus is also a regular attendee of the gun show, and he’s not afraid to go into full pose down mode for no good reason.
I think there are three valid reasons for posing down. One, you’re a six year old who just got the lid off the peanut butter for his mom. Two, if Also sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 happens to be playing in the background… and then the posing must be done in sync with the music, complete with a synchronized pec dance when the percussion kicks in. Three, the Chris Farley “do you know where the gym is” routine to impress a random chick; used most memorably in Tommy Boy. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip so you’ll have to be content with this. From what I can see none of these situations applied on Sunday.
Guitar Hero
This one’s easy, you’re not allowed to fake playing the guitar unless your name is Hulk Hogan. This is his exclusive domain per the Supreme Court decision Cheese v. Good Taste.
Easy There Big Fella
Every now and then a lineman makes it into the end zone. And every time this happens there’s a split second freeze after the score when they realize they have no idea how to handle the celebration. Usually they realize they took too long to decide and go with the awkward spike. But sometimes an old clip of the Ickey Shuffle or Billy “White Shoes” Johnson gets in there and the results are pretty horrible. But why does an animated robot have horrible moves? Does the guy in charge of animating him fail to understand what makes up a good touchdown dance? At least they can have the robot re-create some of those great celebrations the NFL doesn’t let players do anymore. C’mon Cleatus, act like you’ve been there before.
The White Man Overbite
Yes, the robot dances. And if you saw its touchdown celebration, you’re pretty safe in assuming that Cleatus is a lousy dancer. But at least he acknowledges this much by limiting his shimmy to the electric slide. Apparently starting the lawn mower and throwing dice were a little too modern. At least they could have given him a couple of glow sticks to distract the viewer from the fact he moves about as Orlando Pace.
So while the best would be to put Cleatus out to pasture this year, I’m not going to trust the folks at Fox to make a decision in good taste. So could we at least create some animations that better reflect the typical football fan. Can we get a shot of Cleatus in a Lazy-Boy scratching himself in his sleep? Eating crumbs off his Marcus Allen Chiefs jersey? Sucking in his beer belly whenever the waitress comes to take their order? This would better resonate with the average viewer and make Cleatus a bit easier to deal with on Sundays.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Out with the Old, In with More of the Same
With the trade of Milton Bradley the Cubs closed to book on a disappointing 2009 season. And with the signing of Marlon Byrd, the Cubs kicked off 2010 with a business-as-usual signing that will likely condemn them to a disappointing 2010 season. Even the Cubs themselves seem to acknowledge this – one of the lead stories on their own web site this weekend is “Cubs Banking on Bounce Back Campaigns in 2010.” Yeah, that’s always a good sign in January. Someone needs to tell the Cubs front-office that with steroid testing players are regressing after the age of 30 again.
Bradley for Silva and cash is excusable - having Bradley in a Cubs uniform was destined to end in one of a few ways:
1) Piniella killing Bradley
2) Bradley killing Piniella… then blaming the media
3) An Artest-like mêlée in the right field bleachers (this is one instance in which the inability of any Cubs outfielder to make consistent contact would pay off)
4) A combination of the above scenarios… with Bradley again blaming the media
But the unfortunate part of this trade is that it brought back a pitcher whose only value is to create the optical illusion that Carlos spent his offseason getting into shape…. Or to possibly give Carlos something soft in the clubhouse to beat up. Because if you’re thinking that the $6 million the Mariners kicked in would give the Cubs some ability to re-shape the roster you forgot who is in charge of re-shaping said roster.
Going into 2010 the Cubs have problems at second (or at shortstop if you’re of the opinion that The Riot is better used at second), center and left field (whoops, we’re not supposed to say that out loud). The bullpen and rotation won’t exactly remind you of the 1963 Dodgers but it will work in the National League Central. So sure, Marlon Byrd makes sense… until you consider that he got a 3-year, $15 million deal that is likely a Hendry back-end special that will create the need for a Jim Hendry salary dump special in December 2011.
So the Cubs use up the remainder of their budget to sign a 32 year-old center fielder who may or may not be an everyday outfielder. But here’s a thought, instead of using $15 million to fill your center field hole with that type of player why not use $2-3 million to sign another 32 year old guy who may or may not be an everyday major league outfielder… there’s got to be a player out there that fits this profile. Hmmm… oh yeah, he’s already on your roster.
Reed Johnson (with Cubs) .287 / .348 / .418
Marlon Byrd (2009) .283 / .329 / .479
That doesn’t look like a $12 million difference. And if you think that Reed will break down keep Sam Fuld on the roster. Chances are that Sam’s not an everyday player either but he only costs minimum wage… leaving money to be spent elsewhere. And if Sam doesn’t work out and you’re still in contention (of course, falling out of contention in the NL Central would take a 1919 World Series level dive) you could always pick up Kenny Lofton in July.
So now the Cubs are looking at having little-to-no budget left with a gaping hole at second, a rotation with no ability to absorb any injury (and Ted Lilly is out until May BTW… get used to a lot of Jeff Smarzdija fastballs hitting the home plate netting and Carlos Silva “fastballs” landing on Waveland) and a thin bullpen for a team that doesn’t have a lot of starters that go deep into games. Sounds like a great idea.
Well, at least the Cubs aren’t looking at signing any other over-the-hill players that may or may not be drawing social security already. Wait, you’ve gotta be effin’ kidding me. I hope that talk is about an usher position.
Bradley for Silva and cash is excusable - having Bradley in a Cubs uniform was destined to end in one of a few ways:
1) Piniella killing Bradley
2) Bradley killing Piniella… then blaming the media
3) An Artest-like mêlée in the right field bleachers (this is one instance in which the inability of any Cubs outfielder to make consistent contact would pay off)
4) A combination of the above scenarios… with Bradley again blaming the media
But the unfortunate part of this trade is that it brought back a pitcher whose only value is to create the optical illusion that Carlos spent his offseason getting into shape…. Or to possibly give Carlos something soft in the clubhouse to beat up. Because if you’re thinking that the $6 million the Mariners kicked in would give the Cubs some ability to re-shape the roster you forgot who is in charge of re-shaping said roster.
Going into 2010 the Cubs have problems at second (or at shortstop if you’re of the opinion that The Riot is better used at second), center and left field (whoops, we’re not supposed to say that out loud). The bullpen and rotation won’t exactly remind you of the 1963 Dodgers but it will work in the National League Central. So sure, Marlon Byrd makes sense… until you consider that he got a 3-year, $15 million deal that is likely a Hendry back-end special that will create the need for a Jim Hendry salary dump special in December 2011.
So the Cubs use up the remainder of their budget to sign a 32 year-old center fielder who may or may not be an everyday outfielder. But here’s a thought, instead of using $15 million to fill your center field hole with that type of player why not use $2-3 million to sign another 32 year old guy who may or may not be an everyday major league outfielder… there’s got to be a player out there that fits this profile. Hmmm… oh yeah, he’s already on your roster.
Reed Johnson (with Cubs) .287 / .348 / .418
Marlon Byrd (2009) .283 / .329 / .479
That doesn’t look like a $12 million difference. And if you think that Reed will break down keep Sam Fuld on the roster. Chances are that Sam’s not an everyday player either but he only costs minimum wage… leaving money to be spent elsewhere. And if Sam doesn’t work out and you’re still in contention (of course, falling out of contention in the NL Central would take a 1919 World Series level dive) you could always pick up Kenny Lofton in July.
So now the Cubs are looking at having little-to-no budget left with a gaping hole at second, a rotation with no ability to absorb any injury (and Ted Lilly is out until May BTW… get used to a lot of Jeff Smarzdija fastballs hitting the home plate netting and Carlos Silva “fastballs” landing on Waveland) and a thin bullpen for a team that doesn’t have a lot of starters that go deep into games. Sounds like a great idea.
Well, at least the Cubs aren’t looking at signing any other over-the-hill players that may or may not be drawing social security already. Wait, you’ve gotta be effin’ kidding me. I hope that talk is about an usher position.
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