I, Cleatus

The Fox Sports Robot, who is apparently named Cleatus in an apparent attempt to appeal to the only demographic that could possibly think the robot is a good idea, makes its presence felt once again during NFL Wild Card Sunday. And not in a good way.

This robot’s behavior makes you wish that Asimov came up with a fourth law of robotics prohibiting douchey behavior. In his 120 seconds of airtime Cleatus manages to make the a Friday night at the Jersey Shore look like a lecture on 18th Century French Literature at Oxford.

Even the folks that gave us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire can’t be blind to the complete and total lack of appeal the robot brings.

The Special Teamer
At the beginning of each game Cleatus warms up to ensure he doesn’t pull a hydraulic or tear his bypass line. And, as only Cleatus can do, he manages to get the douch-o-meter in the red in less than 3 seconds by running in place and shaking his leg loose. Think about who you’ve known that warms up for a football game in this manner. If you’re drawing a blank don’t worry, there’s only one known example… the special teamer.

If you played high school football you know the special teamer. This guy was a workout warrior in the summer. He probably led the team in the bench press, weight room grunts and knowledge of the supplement selection at GNC. Unfortunately, this guy had no athletic ability. But the coach liked his dedication so he put him on the kickoff team where he’d mindlessly throw himself into the return wedge 4-5 times a night. The rest of the night he’d spend pacing up and down the sideline, running in place and shaking his legs loose while yelling things like “I like this kind of party”, “protect this house” and other sayings he picked up from Under Armor commercials and NFL Films clips on John Randle. Coincidently, he’s also the most likely to have his high school football number on his license plate at the 10 year reunion.

The Pose Down
Cleatus is also a regular attendee of the gun show, and he’s not afraid to go into full pose down mode for no good reason.

I think there are three valid reasons for posing down. One, you’re a six year old who just got the lid off the peanut butter for his mom. Two, if Also sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 happens to be playing in the background… and then the posing must be done in sync with the music, complete with a synchronized pec dance when the percussion kicks in. Three, the Chris Farley “do you know where the gym is” routine to impress a random chick; used most memorably in Tommy Boy. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip so you’ll have to be content with this. From what I can see none of these situations applied on Sunday.

Guitar Hero
This one’s easy, you’re not allowed to fake playing the guitar unless your name is Hulk Hogan. This is his exclusive domain per the Supreme Court decision Cheese v. Good Taste.

Easy There Big Fella
Every now and then a lineman makes it into the end zone. And every time this happens there’s a split second freeze after the score when they realize they have no idea how to handle the celebration. Usually they realize they took too long to decide and go with the awkward spike. But sometimes an old clip of the Ickey Shuffle or Billy “White Shoes” Johnson gets in there and the results are pretty horrible. But why does an animated robot have horrible moves? Does the guy in charge of animating him fail to understand what makes up a good touchdown dance? At least they can have the robot re-create some of those great celebrations the NFL doesn’t let players do anymore. C’mon Cleatus, act like you’ve been there before.

The White Man Overbite
Yes, the robot dances. And if you saw its touchdown celebration, you’re pretty safe in assuming that Cleatus is a lousy dancer. But at least he acknowledges this much by limiting his shimmy to the electric slide. Apparently starting the lawn mower and throwing dice were a little too modern. At least they could have given him a couple of glow sticks to distract the viewer from the fact he moves about as Orlando Pace.

So while the best would be to put Cleatus out to pasture this year, I’m not going to trust the folks at Fox to make a decision in good taste. So could we at least create some animations that better reflect the typical football fan. Can we get a shot of Cleatus in a Lazy-Boy scratching himself in his sleep? Eating crumbs off his Marcus Allen Chiefs jersey? Sucking in his beer belly whenever the waitress comes to take their order? This would better resonate with the average viewer and make Cleatus a bit easier to deal with on Sundays.