An Open Letter to the Chicago Blackhawks

Gentleman,

While I have greatly enjoyed the 2009-2010 season to-date and know little about the game of hockey beyond what I learned in NHL ’94 on the Sega Genesis I feel I need to take this opportunity to impart some advice that will pay dividends for the team down the road.

Here’s a general piece of advice about going shirtless at a party. Don’t. Yes, there are obvious exceptions with pool/beach parties, but if you’re partying in Vancouver in the middle of winter there really isn’t any good reason to go Tracy Morgan on us. And if you’re in a limo with mixed company and only the guys have their shirts off, you really need to rethink your situation to the point that joining a book club might be a better option.
And while I cannot condone, I can understand your mistake. In one’s early 20s, the decision making skills of a guy who’s had a few beverages ranks somewhere between “let’s pick a fight with that Russian guy with the scar” and “she’s hot, so what if she told the cabbie to drop us off at a trailer park.” But by the time someone is old enough to rent a car they should know better. I’m looking at you John Madden.
This isn’t 2000. You weren’t signed because you’re capable of putting up a decent +/- number at the age of 36. You were signed to bring some leadership to the team - this is precisely the type of situation you were brought into prevent. You’re supposed to be the voice of reason. The one that says “drinking out of the Stanley Cup may seem like a good idea, but do you know where that thing has been.” But I shouldn’t be too hard on you Mr. Madden, at least you’re keeping Kane out of cabs.

And while these photos were only embarrassing, and not incriminating, you’re now going to be subjected years and years of these photos being put on posters at opposing arenas and teammates busting your chops in the locker room.

In closing, keep up the good work on the ice fellas. But your lives will infinitely improve if you keep your shirts on off the ice.