Great Debates: Yacht v. Race Horse

Would you rather name a yacht or a race horse? While this might not be an argument on the level of Magic versus Bird or The Wire versus Mad Men, it should be; because this question is a conundrum. First off, if you’re in a position to have to deal with this question it means you have an inordinate amount of disposable income… Big Ern coin.

But before we answer the question, we need to ground the debate in reality:
• You can’t exactly pluck either of these off eBay at 1:30 in the morning while drunkenly searching for Lebowski memorabilia. In other words, both require a Scrooge McDuck level of disposable income.
• When I mean yacht, I mean yacht. Not your uncle’s fishing boat. If it requires a motor, it doesn’t count. If it requires an engine, your mind is in the right place.
• A horse is not a horse unless of course that horse runs a 1.2 40 yard dash. This horse pulling a carriage in the park or available for your daughter’s riding lesson. The horse doesn’t have to be in the Derby, but it’s got to be fast enough for degenerate gamblers to take notice.
• You also have no guarantee of the horse’s success other than it will race professionally. This isn’t a free ticket to the Derby… you’re going to have to earn it. (And by “you” I mean the horse, your trainer and the 95 pound guy strapped on the horse’s back with a whip.)

But what if you could only afford one? That is why we have the great debates series and an objective way to settle this. And while Scarface might be one of the most over quoted movies ever (future blog subject alert), the Tony Montanna scale can be very useful to settle this one… money, power, women.

Money
We’ve already settled that you already have a ton of money, but how much does it cost to maintain your new toy? I’m sure the phrase “hungry as a horse” is grounded in fact. And I know enough about the cost to dock a yacht in Chicago to know that just parking the thing is likely to cost you a couple of years of college tuition. And since I’m too lazy to research this let’s chalk up variable cost to a draw.

So it comes down to revenue. At first glance the racehorse would seem to run away with this Secretariat style. But I refuse to yield this when ascending to the top of your profession means you’ll have to spend time in Kentucky and Baltimore (FYI the 1:20 mark of this clip is the highlight) if you reach the summit of your sport. And don’t forget you can always rent out your yacht; folks from CEOs out for a weekend of sport fishing to Pablo Escobar to Biggie find themselves in the market.

But even in the most bullish of markets the thrill of winning a race beats the worry that comes with renting out your yacht to the worst criminals out there… and the drug runners and rappers can’t be that much better than the CEOs. Plus, no one pounds 12 Coronas and gets sick on your horse.

Edge, Race Horse.

Power
Neither really brings too much formal power, although I think if you win the Derby you automatically win appointment to the University of Kentucky’s Board of Regents and your horse gets an honorary doctorate.

But what about informal power? You can bring up either one to successfully shut up a coworker bragging about his new BMW. But both also come with upstage potential – you’re not going to feel too powerful when Secretariat beats you by 400 yards or if your yacht is parked next to Larry Ellison’s. Plus, it’s not like you can drive either of them. You’ve got to hire a captain for your boat or a jockey for your horse.

To settle this one we’re going to have to get literal. Apparently yacht engines have a horsepower between 5 and 40. By my math that’s a strong edge to the yacht. And if there was any remaining doubt you’d want to consider the fact that we know Al Cervik owns a boat, but have no records of him owning a race horse. When in doubt, in Rodney we trust.

Edge, yacht.

Women
I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I know better as a married man than to try and answer this question or go Googling “Hot Women Partying at the Derby” or “Wild Yacht Party in International Waters” on a work laptop. So let’s just say that neither is going to hurt your chances, move on and call this a draw.

Conclusion
Like all great debates, this one is a nail biter; you really can’t go wrong either way.

For me it comes down to a personal preference of preferring to remain on solid ground. It’s a race horse by a nose. So while anything goes in international waters, no one has ever drowned, gotten seasick, disappeared or ran into pirates at the racetrack. Although I’m the first to admit that it’s debatable where pirates rank on the social scale relative to a degenerate horse racing gambler.

But if anyone out there ever has a chance to name either, give me a ring and I’ll be happy to help with the naming and to supplement this theoretical study with a more direct experience.

Focus on the Family II: This Time it's Personal

A sequel of this magnitude hasn’t been seen since The Godfather II. Unfortunately you have me penning this script so you’re more likely to get The Godfather III. Remember, these questions are real… the answers are pure speculation.

Why are kids no longer required to shower after a school gym class?
I’m not sure what the answer his but I’m guessing Focus on the Family is going to try and link this to the lack of religion in schools. Well, I was wrong… you probably won't belive me but the answer is MUCH more creepy.

Why do my spouse and I never talk anymore?
Maybe you should ask her instead of a web site.

What is Pokemon, and what does Focus think of it?
Focus and I actually agree on this, Pokeman is eroding America’s values.

How can a father influence his daughter's attitude toward boys?
You’re going about this all wrong. Don’t try and influence your daughter, influence the boys. Next time a kid comes to pick up your daughter make he sees you cleaning your shotgun. That ought to do it.

Where is the gambling information on the Focus Web site?
“The” gambling information? I didn’t know Dr. Dobson had a blackjack system but why didn’t he tell Bill Bennett? I guess it makes sense, I could see Alex P. Keaton and Dr. Dobson attending the same political rallies.

Are there reasons why I shouldn't move in with my boyfriend?
There are plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t move in with that guy… Focus on the Family will probably give you the 5 least important ones.

Do you have a review of Twilight?
Slow down there sparky, Focus on the Family is still hashing out its Pokeman position. Check back in 10 years.

Is the American Girl company supporting a pro-abortion organization?
Only in this respect:
1) Single guy heads towards his favorite bar to watch some Saturday afternoon football with his buddies
2) Single guy sees a dad come out of the American Girl with his daughters and two shopping bags.
3) Single guy restocks his condom supply on the way home. .

What is a forum?
So we’ve transitioned from random questions of morality to a dictionary.

How can I keep my 14-year-old on track?
If you raise your kid in a strict religious household you’re going to get one of two outcomes. One, a clone of yourself that attends Bob Jones “University” and is a closet porn hound. Two, the girl doing shots of Tequila and dancing by herself in the bar at 7:00. Two tracks, very different destinations.

I'm 22 years old; why can't my parents leave me alone?
It’s probably because you’re still living in their basement because General Electric wasn’t impressed with that degree from Bob Jones “University” and your thesis attempting to disprove evolution.

Why does Focus on the Family cover only a limited range of issues?
Limited? Their FAQs cover everything from Pokemon to dead beat children to gay spouses; that seems to be a pretty wide range of issues. Do you need their opinion on the existence of the Yeti or what they thought about the last episode of Seinfeld?

I found a condom and a cigarette lighter in my daughter's purse. Should I confront her?
Well, since you found a condom and a lighter I’d say yes. Independently I’d just leave it be.

Our teenager is using drugs.
That’s not a question.

I'm a pastor who's addicted to Internet pornography, and I don't know where to turn.
How many pastors had to send in this question to get it on the board? And does Focus on the Family differentiate between Internet and other forms of porn? And when he/she asks "where to to turn" are they asking for help or recommendations?