Great Debates: Yacht v. Race Horse

Would you rather name a yacht or a race horse? While this might not be an argument on the level of Magic versus Bird or The Wire versus Mad Men, it should be; because this question is a conundrum. First off, if you’re in a position to have to deal with this question it means you have an inordinate amount of disposable income… Big Ern coin.

But before we answer the question, we need to ground the debate in reality:
• You can’t exactly pluck either of these off eBay at 1:30 in the morning while drunkenly searching for Lebowski memorabilia. In other words, both require a Scrooge McDuck level of disposable income.
• When I mean yacht, I mean yacht. Not your uncle’s fishing boat. If it requires a motor, it doesn’t count. If it requires an engine, your mind is in the right place.
• A horse is not a horse unless of course that horse runs a 1.2 40 yard dash. This horse pulling a carriage in the park or available for your daughter’s riding lesson. The horse doesn’t have to be in the Derby, but it’s got to be fast enough for degenerate gamblers to take notice.
• You also have no guarantee of the horse’s success other than it will race professionally. This isn’t a free ticket to the Derby… you’re going to have to earn it. (And by “you” I mean the horse, your trainer and the 95 pound guy strapped on the horse’s back with a whip.)

But what if you could only afford one? That is why we have the great debates series and an objective way to settle this. And while Scarface might be one of the most over quoted movies ever (future blog subject alert), the Tony Montanna scale can be very useful to settle this one… money, power, women.

Money
We’ve already settled that you already have a ton of money, but how much does it cost to maintain your new toy? I’m sure the phrase “hungry as a horse” is grounded in fact. And I know enough about the cost to dock a yacht in Chicago to know that just parking the thing is likely to cost you a couple of years of college tuition. And since I’m too lazy to research this let’s chalk up variable cost to a draw.

So it comes down to revenue. At first glance the racehorse would seem to run away with this Secretariat style. But I refuse to yield this when ascending to the top of your profession means you’ll have to spend time in Kentucky and Baltimore (FYI the 1:20 mark of this clip is the highlight) if you reach the summit of your sport. And don’t forget you can always rent out your yacht; folks from CEOs out for a weekend of sport fishing to Pablo Escobar to Biggie find themselves in the market.

But even in the most bullish of markets the thrill of winning a race beats the worry that comes with renting out your yacht to the worst criminals out there… and the drug runners and rappers can’t be that much better than the CEOs. Plus, no one pounds 12 Coronas and gets sick on your horse.

Edge, Race Horse.

Power
Neither really brings too much formal power, although I think if you win the Derby you automatically win appointment to the University of Kentucky’s Board of Regents and your horse gets an honorary doctorate.

But what about informal power? You can bring up either one to successfully shut up a coworker bragging about his new BMW. But both also come with upstage potential – you’re not going to feel too powerful when Secretariat beats you by 400 yards or if your yacht is parked next to Larry Ellison’s. Plus, it’s not like you can drive either of them. You’ve got to hire a captain for your boat or a jockey for your horse.

To settle this one we’re going to have to get literal. Apparently yacht engines have a horsepower between 5 and 40. By my math that’s a strong edge to the yacht. And if there was any remaining doubt you’d want to consider the fact that we know Al Cervik owns a boat, but have no records of him owning a race horse. When in doubt, in Rodney we trust.

Edge, yacht.

Women
I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I know better as a married man than to try and answer this question or go Googling “Hot Women Partying at the Derby” or “Wild Yacht Party in International Waters” on a work laptop. So let’s just say that neither is going to hurt your chances, move on and call this a draw.

Conclusion
Like all great debates, this one is a nail biter; you really can’t go wrong either way.

For me it comes down to a personal preference of preferring to remain on solid ground. It’s a race horse by a nose. So while anything goes in international waters, no one has ever drowned, gotten seasick, disappeared or ran into pirates at the racetrack. Although I’m the first to admit that it’s debatable where pirates rank on the social scale relative to a degenerate horse racing gambler.

But if anyone out there ever has a chance to name either, give me a ring and I’ll be happy to help with the naming and to supplement this theoretical study with a more direct experience.