Lent. A time for Catholics to hurriedly find something to deprive themselves of as soon as they see a stranger on the bus with ashes on their forehead on what they thought was a random Wednesday. Most Catholics gave up this tradition in 1972. Most non-practicing Catholics started ignoring this tradition as soon as they left their parent’s house. And the rest of the Catholic religion is waiting for the Church to apologize for any two* of the multiple transgressions the Church has committed in the past 500 years to resume the tradition.
* Technically the church did issue a lukewarm apology for its treatment of Galileo 300 years after subjecting him to the inquisition. So if you’re scoring at home, that’s 300 years to acknowledge the error of imprisoning a man who said the earth revolved around the sun. Anyone want to put money on when the next apology comes in?
So that makes me one of the only people to continue this tradition despite the fact I haven’t set foot in a church in about 3 years. And this year I decided to step it up a notch. In Lent ’10 I decided to give up beer. This is the story of one man’s journey.
Day 0
This will be easy, I’m coming off the bar Olympics (which involves the consumption of about a case of cheap beer before noon… unless you’re my friend Steve, then it involves the dumping of a case of cheap beer down the sink while no one is looking before noon) and a nasty cold. The last thing I need right now is a beer. Sure St. Paddy’s Day and the tourney will be tough but I’m a refined man that can adapt by sipping scotch and trying this wine thing.
Day 1
I grow discouraged about this project. Are there really still 39 days left?
Day 14 – Blackhawks v. Oilers
The first real challenge presents itself, making it through an entire hockey game without a beer. Hey, at least it’s not baseball season. To make things worse we’re pre-gaming at a bar called the Beer Bistro, a bar that not only has one of the best beer selections in the city and tonight happens to be $2 Schlitz night.
Another problem, I’m pretty sure the rest of the season ticket holders in my section doubted my hockey cred already. Everything I learned about hockey came from the Sega Genesis and I’ve never been on skates in my life. The fact that I’m drinking vodka tonics is not helping my case.
The good news is that it’s Jonathan Toews bobble head night so to night vodka tonic guy isn’t the lowest person on the social totem pole at the stadium… it’s the 45 year old men that are guarding the bobble head like it’s their first born. Leave it to the citizens of Schaumburg to treat a $5 piece of plastic like the Hope Diamond.
Day 18
I’ve actually started to think about the first beer I’m going to have. Is making a beer pro/con list the sign of a problem or just the sign of a great thinker? Also, I notice that every bar has a beer special but no one seems to cut you a deal on booze. The world is aligning against me.
Day 24 – St Paddy’s Day
A true test of one’s endurance, a full day of drinking that begins and ends with Jameson.
9am – All is well
11am – All is well. And to boot I was able to witness an event known as the “milk toss” in which a guy dressed up in a spectacular Boston Celtic track suit throws a gallon of milk out into the middle of Wells St. for no apparent reason.
2pm – All is well, and now I’m all in. A trip to the far northwest side means that I’m about a half hour away from home. The problem now is that I’ll have to be careful not to hit the wall and end up waking up in the back of a cab with the meter reading $80 or on the red line about 10 stops further south than I need to be.
5pm – I knew I forgot something, I should probably eat something today.
11pm – Still going strong, but drew the short straw and need to get the person in our group home who just passed out at the bar. Probably for the best. Like I said, if this goes on for too long this could end poorly. Not "I think it's a good idea to move to the suburbs" badly, but definitely "I can run a 5.0 40 yard dash down Ashland" badly.
Day 25 – Day after St Paddys
Remarkably the hangover isn’t as bad as years past, I’m guessing that has to do with the lack of green Miller Lite and corned beef cabbage sandwiches that have been sitting on a table for 14 hours. If you’re scoring at home the record is 15 sandwiches set in 2004, a record I’m pretty sure my wife will not allow me to approach again.
Days 29-32 – NCAA Tourney Round 1
Last time I tried to tackle the first round of the tournament on hard liquor I ended up getting drank under the table by a 45 year-old single newspaper reporter at a piano bar. The lesson to all you kids out there, never go shot for shot with someone who was beaten down by life while you were still watching the Bozo Show. The good news about that night is that I stayed upright long enough to watch Iowa State make history as being one of the only #2 seeds to lose in the first round.
Day 36-39 – NCAA Tournament Round 2
A friend just dropped two bombs on me. One, Ginger Ale is considered a soft drink. IMO it seems a little too old timey to be considered a soda by my definition. The big one is the fact that Lent is 47 days long this year. What’s this shit? In 12 years of Catholic school I retained a few key pieces of information:
1. Somewhere between the Old and New Testament, God mellowed out
2. Jesus was a carpenter
3. Lent is 40 days
This is horrible. Right now I feel like a Cleveland sports fan. I’m not really sure who’s to blame for this mess, but I’m pretty sure it’s time to cancel my season tickets (especially when Lebron signs with the Nets).
Day 46
The last week has been a bit hard to describe. So as we approach midnight of Easter I’ll just let this clip do the explaining. It’s safe to say that I will not be giving up beer next year… and that I will be checking the calendar in advance.
And it case you’re wondering, I went with Peroni.
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