When the Stats Don't Add Up

.278/.372/.452. Being a believer in the "Moneyball" approach to baseball those numbers tell me I should be happy to have this guy penciled in my starting lineup on a regular basis. Assuming this guy isn't a statue in the field, a lineup full of guys like this would make the 1927 Yankees look like 2003 Detroit Tigers.


But as much as this guy is a statistical stud, his greatest contribution is that he makes you realize that as much as you want to boil down baseball to statistical measures, the joy of the game doesn't come from the box score. The joy of the game is about the story behind that box score. Griffey Jr.'s follow through. Ichiro throwing a 375 foot strike. Lou Piniella throwing a base 17 feet. Beltran going from first to third. McGwire negotiating a 15% discount off the price of his monthly pharmaceutical supply. That's where the love of the game comes from.


An astute observer would already surmise that I am talking about Milton Bradley. And yes, this is probably the 5,297th blog written about the man since he put on the Cub uniform. Everything that I know about baseball says that at the end of the year I should be happy that my starting right fielder is putting up offensive numbers that are on par to those of the Cub's 1987 N.L. MVP. But watching him play and looking back at his cumulative stats in October are two different things.


I started this article with the intention that I would write about the fact that the strongest muscle in his body seems to be the one attached to his pointer finger. Look back to his time in Cleveland, LA, Oakland. Blowing out his ACL arguing with an umpire... blaming the umpires for his early struggles with the Cubs... about blaming others for his short stints with other teams. It's never Bradley's fault. But then you took a closer look and see something else.

It's not that the man is lazy. This Friday I watched him hit a somewhat routine fly to right in the middle of a game destined to get lost amongst the other 161 games of the Cubs' forgettable 2009 season. Bradley then proceeded to run out a ball at full speed that will be caught 999 out of 1,000 times... and this guy's hamstring is about as reliable as your old college roommate that still tours with Widespread Panic at the age of 34.

And it's not that he's a player that takes talent for granted. Anyone who rehabs a torn ACL in one offseason isn't sitting around watching Deadliest Catch re-runs all day. The man may be injury prone but it's not like he's showing up to Spring Training with a severe case of Dunlap disease.


It's because Bradley does not play the game because he loves it, he plays the game because he's exceptional at it. And he knows it. "I don't get happy for myself. I might do something, but you don't ever see me smile about it. But when other guys do something, I get happy."

How many people do you know that drag themselves to work every Monday despite dreading the week ahead? Are those the people you like to have lunch with? And do they sound like Milton? They are not happy people.

But let's not kid ourselves, very few of us look forward to Mondays with an earnest eagerness and expectations to change the world with every key stroke. We may do fulfilling work, but the moments in which we derive pure joy from the job certainly don't occur every day. And that's why we can't root for Milton despite the fact he's more than a productive major leaguer. While most of us would kill to turn on a fastball just once, you get the feeling that Bradley wakes up every day and wishes for the anonymity of a desk job. It's hard to root for a guy like that.

And if he had a desk job with your company, you'd probably eat lunch with someone else .

The Cubs (un)Officially Concede the 2009 Season

As of Sunday morning Baseball Prospectus still listed the Cubs as having a 6% chance of making the playoffs but we can officially lick the stamp on the 2009 season for the Cubs. And if I know the Ricketts family, and I don't, I'm guessing they are experiencing the largest case of buyer's remorse since L. Paul Bremmer left Iraq.


So what's in store for 2010? More disappointment? Yes. Enough disappointment for my season ticket waiting list number to come through? Doubtful

The Cubs' only free agent of note is Rich Harden and I'm guess he'll depart for cooler temperatures. This guy's day/night splits scream for Rich to land with a northern team that plays mostly at night. That leaves the Cubs with a rotation of Big Z, Lilly, Dempster, Randy Wells and to-be-determined Jim Hendry panic signing #1 of the offseason. He let Jason Marquis go after signing for three years and $16 million, can he get Jason back for four years and $40 million? And by the way, I use "let" and "paid the Rockies to take him" interchangeably.


The rest of the roster looks to be locked in place unless a massive payroll increase/buy-out is on the horizon. Soriano, Fukudome, Bradley and Dempster's contracts are all varying degrees of untradable. That's right Cubs fans, we have another two seasons of that starting outfield taking the field at Clark and Waveland. And you wonder why the beer flows so fast and plentifully in the Bleachers.


Theriot, Soto and Marmol will be in line for arbitration increases in the coming years and the only salaries coming off the books next year are Lee and Lilly... two players you'd think they'd want to resign for reasonable amount. So the Cubs could add another player only if they had some more money to throw around. But if you're a Cubs fan do you really trust Jim Hendry to make another major free agent signing? Only if you're a big David Eckstein fan... or a fan of overpaying for "scrappiness" in general.


So a trade might be in order. And two players that may have some trade value, Aramis and Big Z, have full no trade clauses. So unless you want to trade one of your few 20-something players nothing is going to be coming along in a trade. And frankly, do you want Jim Hendry making a blockbuster trade on the Cubs behalf?

Maybe the minors will deliver an impact player. But while the minor league system has done a good job of providing some organizational depth to cover some injuries, Sam Fuld, Jake Fox and Randy Wells aren't going to lead you to the promised land. The only impact prospect of note seems to be this Josh Vitters kid. But he's only 19 and struggling in his short stint in A ball. And like most Cubs prospects, he looks to be allergic to taking a walk. So do you really want Hendry in charge of trading your only high profile prospect and/or rushing him through the minors before he develops any pitch recognition (insert hyped center field prospect of your choosing here).

In short, it looks like a lot of the same cast will be brought back in 2010 and long will be the winter of Cubs fans' discontent.

What We Learned from the Cubs this Week

Some quick thoughts on the state of the Cubs... who appear to be unraveling faster than Glenn Beck at an advance screening of a Michael Moore documentary.

What We Learned from the Phillies Series

• The Pedro Martinez of 1999 could have beaten the Cubs left handed.
• It is impossible to underestimate the lack of intelligence of someone with a chin-strap beard. Especially when they’re from the suburbs.
• Yes, the Phillies are good. Yes, they will make the playoffs. But calm down Phillies fan… the Cubs aren't exactly the best measuring stick for teams with World Series aspirations. You don’t see Yankee fans staging an impromptu parade trough the Bronx when they sweep the Orioles.
• There are a lot of Phillies fans that wear their hats backwards despite being born in the 70s.
• The Phillies can mash. But someone is going to do this to Brad Lidge in the playoffs if he keeps pitching like this.
• There will be no complaining about the virtual waiting room from Cubs fans when it comes times for buying playoff tickets.

What We Can Look Forward with the Pirates’ Series

• A 90 loss team the Cubs can beat (not to be confused with the 85 loss teams the Cubs can split with).
• The return of Aramis Ramirez… for a futile stretch run that leads to some debilitating injury in a meaningless game versus the Astros in September.
• Aaron Miles won’t be the worst player in uniform… arguably.
• But he won’t be the most overpriced… inarguably.
• “Cheap” walk up tickets from scalpers.
• The Pirates have essentially re-created the Indians team from Major League. Just try to look at their roster without saying “who in the #$*& are these guys” or “most of these guys never had a prime.”
• The Pirates slogan for 2009 is “Pride. Passion. The Pittsburgh Pirates.” I think someone in the Pirates marketing department mixed up their slogan ideas with their kid’s “which one doesn't belong” workbook.

Football Season is Upon Us

It may be 90+ degrees here in Chicago but pay no mind to the temperature, the NFL's annual Hall of Fame game officially kicked off the 2009 football season last night. With that in mind, here's a quick list of what's on my mind as we get ready for some football.


The Fantasy Football Sleeper
If you have a conversation with any guy about fantasy football this exchanges probably happened around the five minute mark.


Guy A: I can't wait for the draft.
Me: Yeah, it should a good time.
Guy: I'm going to kill the draft. I have a couple of sleepers that are going to win me some serious money this year. I'd tell you who they are but since we're in the same league you're going to have to wait until draft night.
(Wait 30 seconds)
Guy: So my sleepers are...


In other words, the idea of having "discovered" a great sleeper is more highly regarded than the value the sleeper brings to your team. Everyone just wants the rest of the league to know how smart they are and why they should be running the Bears and not Jerry Angelo. Bad example with Angelo, but you get my point. This is why Lendale White will be drafted in the third round of your draft.

No Brett Favre
In my mind, Favre hung up his cleats as soon as he turned into a Popsicle during the 2008 NFC championship game. But I've got to admit, I've really grown fond of sending my Packer friends Photoshopped images of Favre in Vikings uniforms... even if most Packer fans haven't figured out how to get their computer out of the box.

The lingering question is how is the NFL Network and ESPN are going to fill the 4 hours a day they devoted to Favre coverage? I just pray (no pun intended) that this void is not filled with Chris Connley pieces on what a great guy Kurt Warner is set to soft piano music. Is it too much to ask for a piece on Kurt Warner forcing a tourist to smuggle a kilo of Bolivian snow through customs? Everything I've heard to this point leads me to believe that the guy is the second coming of Mother Theresa. At the very least we need to cast him as the villain in the next Die Hard. I just can't see how this guy can run a huddle... we need some of this... or at least something like this.


Saturdays at the Shadows
Hands down the best Iowa football bar in Chicago. And every year it gives you a Goodwill Hunting moment. Sure, it's good to have a waitress and/or bartender that knows your name and beverage of choice... but it's also nice to walk in there, ask where so-and-so is and have the new guy tell you that they don't work there anymore and landed a job they can make a career out of.


Hank Williams Jr.
Lastly, we need to thank the man who gave us the Monday Night Football theme. And one of the best pieces of unintentional comedy from the 2008 Presidential campaign. What else can you say about Hank? Personally, I wake up every day hoping that he hooks up with Glenn Beck for a duet.



The Impossible Dream
Every year I enter in a Survivor pool with 5,000 other saps in an attempt to prove my football prognostication skills. And every year I last just long enough to get my hopes up before being bested by someone's girlfriend who is only in the league to prove how stupid these things are. Girlfriend win. That's the type of thing that will be held over your head for a lifetime.


The Impossible Dream II
Every year you probably look at your team's schedule and convince yourself there is a scenario in which your team can win the national title. Even if you root for Rutgers. For me it looks something like this.

If Iowa can get through the pre-Big 10 schedule undefeated (somewhat likely)...
And if Iowa can avoid any let downs against teams they should beat (feasible)...
And if Ferentz can out coach JoePa by 3 touchdowns at Happy Valley (1 in a 100)...
And if they play Ohio State in a monsoon (not going to happen)...
And if Terrelle Prior doesn't show up for the monsoon game (when does Mo' Clarrett get out of jail?)...
Iowa could get to the BCS championship game.


Then we'd need to go to another series of ifs that involve multiple team buses from Texas or Florida getting lost on the way to the stadium. Yes, I have convinced myself this could happen.


Bloody Marys
A great drink to start off your day. Unfortunately, society frowns upon day drinking unless you're this guy or tailgating. And while Bloody's can't be an everyday drink, nothing is better to kickoff a Saturday tailgate. Anyone that tells you differently doesn't know any better or needs to have that Mimosa slapped out of their hands (don't worry about them hitting you back... they're drinking a friggin' Mimosa). And please hold the celery, pickle spears are the chosen accompaniment of the professional.

The Best, or Worst, Theme Park Ever... I Can't Decide

Like about just about every other guy with a blog, my first instinct was to take some time to write about one of the coolest things I even heard about... Lendale White losing 30 pounds in the offseason simply by cutting the Tequila out of routine. And while this story will be the basis for the sequel to my soon-to-be bestseller diet book, "Hold the Bacon Tubby" it simply wasn't the coolest thing I heard or saw this week.

That would be this. That's right, there is theme park dedicated to the age-old question of what would have happened if dinosaurs had fought in the civil war - aside from the implications to Ken Burns' career and the need for an alternate ending to "Glory." Another way to describe this is Carl Everett's worst nightmare.

But I can't weigh in on this without getting knee deep in some of the details. For example, I'm willing to overlook how dinosaurs can go undiscovered in Virginia for 200 years and even that a cold-blooded lizard could survive a Virginia Winter but I do have my limits.

According to the theme park, the dinosaurs were discovered when "Virginia paleontologists accidentally dug a mine shaft into a hidden valley of living dinosaurs." I'm not a miner, or a paleontologist, but I'm still wondering how you dig a mine shaft into a valley. And the term "accidentally" caught my attention. You accidentally drop a glass... you accidentally hit "reply to all"... you don't accidentally dig a mine shaft. And I'm still trying to figure out what a Virginia paleontologist is doing working for the Union. And why said paleontologist stays in Virginia when the rest of the state brands the guy as a traitor. But let's move on to more pressing aneurysm inducing issues to ponder.

The above is my favorite pic... although I can spend days looking at some of these photos.

Here the union soldier, who may or may not be a paleontologist, dangling between the two trees. Notice that he and the 19th Century Megan Fox, who even Michael Bay would not cast as a paleontologist, did not chose to scale up either tree to avoid the dinosaur. He chose to demonstrate a skill set that would likely have won the Olympic Gold in the rings. As a matter of fact I believe it's the best practical application of men's gymnastics this side of Gymkata. Not only is the man showing off his rings skills, he's doing so with Miss Fox dangling from his legs. Well played sir.

My last point is the strategy of employing dinosaurs in battle. Hannibal had his elephants and that's about the closest thing I can think of in terms of employing large animals in battle so this isn't a completely original thought amongst 19th century West Point graduates. Now I know General George Meade isn't exactly regarding as the second coming of the Duke of Wellington among military historians but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have encountered a series of incredibly large man-eating lizards and attempted to pack them up to take to Gettysburg.


General Meade: "What the &^% are those. They're eating all of our horses"
Paleontologist: "They're called dinosaurs. Haven't you seen Jurassic Park?"
General Meade: "I've got a great idea, let's throw them in the back of a bunch of covered wagons and release them against the South at Spotslvania."
Paleontologist: "We're already in the South. We could just leave a trail of meat crumbs straight into Richmond."
General Meade: "But then some guy in the South won't be able to build a theme park about this someday. And how will Michael Bay make the prequel to Jurassic Park?"
Paleontologist: "Good point... I'll get the rope."


C'mon. These things are in Virginia. Even a mediocre Union general isn't going to pack up a valley full of giant man eating lizards that he just found and pack them up for Pennsylvania.

So add this to your list of places to go before you die, because you never know when a valley of dinosaurs will be unearthed in some valley out by Aurora.