That would be this. That's right, there is theme park dedicated to the age-old question of what would have happened if dinosaurs had fought in the civil war - aside from the implications to Ken Burns' career and the need for an alternate ending to "Glory." Another way to describe this is Carl Everett's worst nightmare.
But I can't weigh in on this without getting knee deep in some of the details. For example, I'm willing to overlook how dinosaurs can go undiscovered in Virginia for 200 years and even that a cold-blooded lizard could survive a Virginia Winter but I do have my limits.
According to the theme park, the dinosaurs were discovered when "Virginia paleontologists accidentally dug a mine shaft into a hidden valley of living dinosaurs." I'm not a miner, or a paleontologist, but I'm still wondering how you dig a mine shaft into a valley. And the term "accidentally" caught my attention. You accidentally drop a glass... you accidentally hit "reply to all"... you don't accidentally dig a mine shaft. And I'm still trying to figure out what a Virginia paleontologist is doing working for the Union. And why said paleontologist stays in Virginia when the rest of the state brands the guy as a traitor. But let's move on to more pressing aneurysm inducing issues to ponder.
The above is my favorite pic... although I can spend days looking at some of these photos.
Here the union soldier, who may or may not be a paleontologist, dangling between the two trees. Notice that he and the 19th Century Megan Fox, who even Michael Bay would not cast as a paleontologist, did not chose to scale up either tree to avoid the dinosaur. He chose to demonstrate a skill set that would likely have won the Olympic Gold in the rings. As a matter of fact I believe it's the best practical application of men's gymnastics this side of Gymkata. Not only is the man showing off his rings skills, he's doing so with Miss Fox dangling from his legs. Well played sir.
My last point is the strategy of employing dinosaurs in battle. Hannibal had his elephants and that's about the closest thing I can think of in terms of employing large animals in battle so this isn't a completely original thought amongst 19th century West Point graduates. Now I know General George Meade isn't exactly regarding as the second coming of the Duke of Wellington among military historians but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have encountered a series of incredibly large man-eating lizards and attempted to pack them up to take to Gettysburg.
General Meade: "What the &^% are those. They're eating all of our horses"
Paleontologist: "They're called dinosaurs. Haven't you seen Jurassic Park?"
General Meade: "I've got a great idea, let's throw them in the back of a bunch of covered wagons and release them against the South at Spotslvania."
Paleontologist: "We're already in the South. We could just leave a trail of meat crumbs straight into Richmond."
General Meade: "But then some guy in the South won't be able to build a theme park about this someday. And how will Michael Bay make the prequel to Jurassic Park?"
Paleontologist: "Good point... I'll get the rope."
C'mon. These things are in Virginia. Even a mediocre Union general isn't going to pack up a valley full of giant man eating lizards that he just found and pack them up for Pennsylvania.
So add this to your list of places to go before you die, because you never know when a valley of dinosaurs will be unearthed in some valley out by Aurora.
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