By the standards of Cub bandwagondom I’m a relative neophyte. I didn’t fully embrace the bear until I moved to the windy city in the fall of 2002.
I was raised being put to bed to the sounds of Jack Buck calling Cardinal games on the radio – and, being 3-7 years old, mistook Jack’s habit of referring to Ozzie Smith simply as Ozzie lead me to believe one of my favorite Muppet, Fozzie Bear, was playing shortstop. You can imagine my horror when my dad took me to my first Cardinal game and the greatest defensive shortstop of our lifetime and a first-ballot Hall of Famer was playing short instead of a Muppet wearing a neckerchief.
After that disappointment, my father’s friend with the Royals arranged to plant me formally on the late 1980s Royals bandwagon. And these weren’t your current Royals. George Brett, Brett Sabrehagen, Bo Jackson and host of talented players kept these guys competitive through the early 1990s. But then the Royals turned south… and the strike of 1994 led me to abandon baseball for the better part of the next 10 years.
When I moved to Wrigleyville in the fall of 2002 I couldn’t help but get swept up in the Cubs. The team was relatively young, and had a pitching staff that was touted as the next version of the 1990 Braves staffs… but ended up more like the over-hyped 1990s Mets staff.
Yes it’s the bars. Yes it’s the bleachers. Yes it’s the characters. But it’s also a connection to the past. The organ, the manual scoreboard, the grass* and a stadium in the middle of the city. It’s a connection to our past, our youth and a time when things didn’t seem as complicated (in hindsight).
*For those of you born in the 1980s this is a bigger deal than you think. I was raised on the cookie cutter stadiums of Busch, Three Rivers, Riverfront and nameless other major league parks that were exactly the same as each other. And if you think the new Field Turf is bad, go to your nearest mini-golf course and imagine playing baseball on that stuff. That’s baseball in the 1980s.
I could spend 10,000 words explaining the 10 years of frustration I’ve felt as a Cubs fan. Baker running pitchers into the ground. A team so mentally weak that they attempt to blame a five run collapse on a fan reaching for a foul ball that even a young Mo Alou might not have caught. A free agent spending spree that led the Cubs to outbid themselves and saddle the team with horrible back loaded contracts* that may even outlive the Obama administration.
* Guess who is getting a raise in 2011. If you said Fukudome, Smardzjia and Grabow you win. Double points if you said that Grabow’s contract almost doubles in value.
So it’s nice when an article comes along that sums it up for me. About a month ago the Tribune Cubs beat writer Paul Sullivan turned in a typical piece – slightly irreverent with a dose of cynicism bubbling just beneath the surface. But this wasn’t an article on Derrick Lee’s slowing bat or Zambrano’s latest tantrum, it was about a series of off-the-field decisions that all happened to come down in one epic week in June. The article is about art and music. But art and music as defined by the Cubs organization.
On the art side, the Cubs installed a 12 foot statue of a Mac ‘n Cheese noodle at the behest, err check writing, of Kraft. But it’s best to let Cubs’ Marketing EVP Wally Hayward* explain.
"Hayward is hoping the Noodle can become Wrigleyville's version of 'the Bean,' the Millennium Park sculpture that has become an iconic part of Chicago. "We were generating nothing, and found a creative way to introduce it, and it's a great way for Kraft to create buzz," Hayward said."
* May or may not be related to Tony Hayward. But given this asinine explanation I’m inclined to lean towards a blood relation.
OK, if you want to expand revenue and put advertisements outside the stadium fine. But don’t turn around and refer to your revenue stream as “art.” I am not what you call an art connoisseur; if you were to come up with a way to measure art appreciation in the same way they measure reading levels, you could say that I appreciate art at a 4th grade level. Sure, I can look at Michelangelo’s David and understand its absolute excellence, but I still think appreciation for Picasso is largely based on taking LSD and listening to the Allman Brothers. And when I look at the friggin’ noodle I see advertising… not art. The Bean is art. That Eye on Van Buren and State is creepy art. The noodle is a revenue stream... and a poorly conceived one as that.
This is the rub of being a Cubs fan. The Chicago Cubs have found innovative ways to squeeze more revenue out of the team. They have an agreement with the rooftops… they’ve expanded in stadium advertising… they started their own scalper agency… they do cruises and Spring Training trips. They are truly innovative to the point that I wonder if they are going to start charging season ticket holders for not showing up. But for all that innovation they still fail to see the value of on-base percentage versus batting average
So what on-the-field changes does a thoroughly mediocre Cubs team try to make? A commitment to players under the age of 35? Working counts for walks? Throwing strikes? How about letting players come out to recorded music instead of the organ? You guessed it; the problem with the Cubs all these years is the friggin’ organ. You have to admit, it does make sense… if you can’t tell the difference between correlation and causation. The only two things that have been there for 101 years are the organ and the scoreboard. And you don’t save money by tearing down a scoreboard, but you do save money by making your organist go part-time.
"The ads aren't the only changes. The Cubs have also stopped playing organ music to introduce their players when they come to the plate. Now they have taped music, like most other ballparks. Koyie Hill, for instance was introduced with his choice of Led Zeppelin's "Black Dog" on Tuesday."
"The Cubs marketing department picked Alfonso Soriano's tune. "That motivates people when they go to home plate," Soriano said. "I'll wait to pick the perfect song, and I'll be excited when I go to the plate."
That’s the other thing. When your $136m underachieving left fielder needs music to get motivated you need to vastly overhaul your major league scouting function. But if you’re a member of the Cubs organization this probably just means you need to update your iPod playlist.
But I’m beyond giving up on asking for miracles like competence from a $136m player, drafting quality prospects or stop spending money on 35 year old players. At this point I’ll just settle for the Cubs to spring for a new sound system. Because if you think watching Soriano strikeout swinging to the musical stylings of C&C Music factory is bad, trying that same experience when the Cubs are using a 1948 sound system.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Jersey Watch
Years ago I wrote a column for The Heckler on selecting the right jersey for the Cubs fans of 2004 to invest in. And while the logic was sound, the final decision wasn’t – I recommended Todd Walker*. So in order to provide a bit of community service to those Blackhawk bandwagon jumpers, I give you an updated version of my rules for purchasing a jersey.
* Two items in my defense aside from the rules I’ll outline below. I would have recommended a Ryan Dempster jersey purchase if not for the fact he identified Rush as his favorite band in an interview with Dan Patrick… there’s no way you can wear his jersey after that statement. Secondly, try and pick out a jersey from the 2004 Cubs that looks like a smart decision six years later. (That statement also works when discussing the Jim Hendry era.”)
Age is More than Just a Number
The saddest thing you'll ever see in a ballpark is a 55 year old man wearing the jersey of a 20 year old kid (obviously exception if that is your kid or nephew). Correction it's the fourth saddest thing you'll see:
4. Old man wearing a player's jersey that is half his age
3. Man trampling a kid to get to a foul ball
2. Man bringing a glove to a major league baseball game
1. Man bringing a glove to a major league baseball game and then failing to make the catch
Buying a jersey is essentially a form of hero worship. That’s why I’m a big advocate of never buying a jersey of a player younger than you. It’s also unintended consequence of steroid testing – at the age of 33 it’s almost impossible for me to buy a jersey of a current player. 10 years ago 33 year olds were adding 25 pounds of muscle, getting faster and just entering their prime. Now they’re losing their fast twitch muscles and struggling with nagging injuries… just like me! For illustrative purposes here’s a list of current Chicago players that are older than I am:
Cubs: Bob Howry, Ted Lilly, Derrick Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Ryan Dempster
Sox: Ramon Castro, Paul Konerko, Omar Vizquel
Blackhawks: John Madden, Cristobal Huet (pronounced “Who-Eh?”)
Bulls: N/A (see below)
Bears: Desmond Clark, Patrick Mannley, Brad Maynard
To quote Major League, “I haven’t heard of half these guys, and the ones I have heard of are way past their prime.” That list sums up why throwback jerseys have evolved into a multi-million dollar industry.
Avoid the Bandwagon
Next time you attend a live sporting event take a look around at the jerseys in the stands. You’re likely to see that 90% of the jerseys are of two or three players – at Hawks games you’ll largely see three jerseys, Toews, Kane and Hossa. Picking one of these jerseys makes you look like even more of a bandwagon fan… that and asking what icing means.
The Raider Effect
Did you ever have that friend in high school that complained about always getting unfairly pulled over by the cops? Did that friend also have a marijuana leaf air freshener dangling from his rear view mirror? Certain jerseys will lead to certain reactions. The cops will pay more attention to you in a Raiders or White Sox jersey. People will take pity on you if you wear any jersey from the city of Cleveland. You’ll be labeled a fair weather fan if you’re wearing an Atlanta jersey. Consider the jersey association before purchasing.
With the First Pick in the MLB Draft, the Chicago Cubs Select…
There’s a few areas of life that require a great deal of caution.
• Eating at a Chinese restaurant that charges by the scoop.
• Hitting on the woman drinking tequila and dancing by herself at 9:00 at night. (Note: This is an evolving situation as you get older. In college guys will trip over themselves getting to this girl’s side with a couple of shots and some bad dance moves, but as you get older this situation typically comes with a case of VD on the side.)
• Buying the jersey of a highly touted prospect that hasn’t proved himself.
Just look at the history of Chicago Cubs prospects over the past 10 years before you invest in that Castro jersey. Prior, Strange, Patterson, Pie… or take a look at the buyer’s remorse being felt on the south side by the Gordon Beckham fans. Let the guy get a few reps before making that 2am purchase on NFL.com.
Know Your Role
This one only applies to football jerseys, but you need to take it into consideration. If you’re 5’8” and weigh 250, don’t kid yourself and buy a skill position jersey. You need to stick to the linemen. Conversely, if you’re 5’5” and 125, you can’t go with a lineman or a running back or linebacker. It’s a lot like painting your chest with your buddies to spell out the name of your team… the fat guy is always the “o” and the skinny guy is always the “i.”
If you’re wondering why this doesn’t apply to basketball jerseys the reason is simple. There is absolutely no possible situation in which a grown man should even wear an NBA jersey.
Screw You Marvin Miller
First off, Marvin Miller not being in the Hall of Fame makes Santo’s exclusion look excusable in comparison. They elected Bowie Kuhn, who Miller owned in 15 years of negotiations. It’s the equivalent of calling Carthage the greatest empire in the history of man despite the fact that Rome won all three Punic Wars.
But he’s also the reason why Cubs fans shouldn’t wear a Maddux Cubs jersey. It essential celebrates the fact that your team was dumb enough to let the greatest pitcher of his generation to walk in his prime. So before you buy that jersey make sure that Scott Boras isn’t the player's agent and your boy won’t spend the next 10 years in pinstripes before going into the Hall as a Yankee.
The Man Behind the Jersey
The short way to explain this is O.J. Simpson. But the long way is more fun.
You need to ask yourself if you’d like to have a beer with the guy. Do you want to have to spend the entire evening explaining to the guy how the napkin dispenser works? Is there a chance that your evening will end with you having to dispose of a handgun? Or will you have to listen to the guy talking about the difference between Christian Rock and Contemporary Christian Rock? If you can’t enjoy a beer with the guy, you shouldn’t wear the jersey. This isn’t to be confused with the “would your wife let you enjoy a beer with the guy” question. If that were the question then Tim Tebow jerseys would be flying off the shelf. Oh wait, they are? That violates every principle of intelligent jersey buying.
So those are the simple rules to follow before throwing down $150 on an article of clothing that can't be worn to anything other than sporting event and your wedding. So either make that investment in your 20s or save up a couple of extra bills for that throwback jersey if you wait until your my age.
* Two items in my defense aside from the rules I’ll outline below. I would have recommended a Ryan Dempster jersey purchase if not for the fact he identified Rush as his favorite band in an interview with Dan Patrick… there’s no way you can wear his jersey after that statement. Secondly, try and pick out a jersey from the 2004 Cubs that looks like a smart decision six years later. (That statement also works when discussing the Jim Hendry era.”)
Age is More than Just a Number
The saddest thing you'll ever see in a ballpark is a 55 year old man wearing the jersey of a 20 year old kid (obviously exception if that is your kid or nephew). Correction it's the fourth saddest thing you'll see:
4. Old man wearing a player's jersey that is half his age
3. Man trampling a kid to get to a foul ball
2. Man bringing a glove to a major league baseball game
1. Man bringing a glove to a major league baseball game and then failing to make the catch
Buying a jersey is essentially a form of hero worship. That’s why I’m a big advocate of never buying a jersey of a player younger than you. It’s also unintended consequence of steroid testing – at the age of 33 it’s almost impossible for me to buy a jersey of a current player. 10 years ago 33 year olds were adding 25 pounds of muscle, getting faster and just entering their prime. Now they’re losing their fast twitch muscles and struggling with nagging injuries… just like me! For illustrative purposes here’s a list of current Chicago players that are older than I am:
Cubs: Bob Howry, Ted Lilly, Derrick Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Ryan Dempster
Sox: Ramon Castro, Paul Konerko, Omar Vizquel
Blackhawks: John Madden, Cristobal Huet (pronounced “Who-Eh?”)
Bulls: N/A (see below)
Bears: Desmond Clark, Patrick Mannley, Brad Maynard
To quote Major League, “I haven’t heard of half these guys, and the ones I have heard of are way past their prime.” That list sums up why throwback jerseys have evolved into a multi-million dollar industry.
Avoid the Bandwagon
Next time you attend a live sporting event take a look around at the jerseys in the stands. You’re likely to see that 90% of the jerseys are of two or three players – at Hawks games you’ll largely see three jerseys, Toews, Kane and Hossa. Picking one of these jerseys makes you look like even more of a bandwagon fan… that and asking what icing means.
The Raider Effect
Did you ever have that friend in high school that complained about always getting unfairly pulled over by the cops? Did that friend also have a marijuana leaf air freshener dangling from his rear view mirror? Certain jerseys will lead to certain reactions. The cops will pay more attention to you in a Raiders or White Sox jersey. People will take pity on you if you wear any jersey from the city of Cleveland. You’ll be labeled a fair weather fan if you’re wearing an Atlanta jersey. Consider the jersey association before purchasing.
With the First Pick in the MLB Draft, the Chicago Cubs Select…
There’s a few areas of life that require a great deal of caution.
• Eating at a Chinese restaurant that charges by the scoop.
• Hitting on the woman drinking tequila and dancing by herself at 9:00 at night. (Note: This is an evolving situation as you get older. In college guys will trip over themselves getting to this girl’s side with a couple of shots and some bad dance moves, but as you get older this situation typically comes with a case of VD on the side.)
• Buying the jersey of a highly touted prospect that hasn’t proved himself.
Just look at the history of Chicago Cubs prospects over the past 10 years before you invest in that Castro jersey. Prior, Strange, Patterson, Pie… or take a look at the buyer’s remorse being felt on the south side by the Gordon Beckham fans. Let the guy get a few reps before making that 2am purchase on NFL.com.
Know Your Role
This one only applies to football jerseys, but you need to take it into consideration. If you’re 5’8” and weigh 250, don’t kid yourself and buy a skill position jersey. You need to stick to the linemen. Conversely, if you’re 5’5” and 125, you can’t go with a lineman or a running back or linebacker. It’s a lot like painting your chest with your buddies to spell out the name of your team… the fat guy is always the “o” and the skinny guy is always the “i.”
If you’re wondering why this doesn’t apply to basketball jerseys the reason is simple. There is absolutely no possible situation in which a grown man should even wear an NBA jersey.
Screw You Marvin Miller
First off, Marvin Miller not being in the Hall of Fame makes Santo’s exclusion look excusable in comparison. They elected Bowie Kuhn, who Miller owned in 15 years of negotiations. It’s the equivalent of calling Carthage the greatest empire in the history of man despite the fact that Rome won all three Punic Wars.
But he’s also the reason why Cubs fans shouldn’t wear a Maddux Cubs jersey. It essential celebrates the fact that your team was dumb enough to let the greatest pitcher of his generation to walk in his prime. So before you buy that jersey make sure that Scott Boras isn’t the player's agent and your boy won’t spend the next 10 years in pinstripes before going into the Hall as a Yankee.
The Man Behind the Jersey
The short way to explain this is O.J. Simpson. But the long way is more fun.
You need to ask yourself if you’d like to have a beer with the guy. Do you want to have to spend the entire evening explaining to the guy how the napkin dispenser works? Is there a chance that your evening will end with you having to dispose of a handgun? Or will you have to listen to the guy talking about the difference between Christian Rock and Contemporary Christian Rock? If you can’t enjoy a beer with the guy, you shouldn’t wear the jersey. This isn’t to be confused with the “would your wife let you enjoy a beer with the guy” question. If that were the question then Tim Tebow jerseys would be flying off the shelf. Oh wait, they are? That violates every principle of intelligent jersey buying.
So those are the simple rules to follow before throwing down $150 on an article of clothing that can't be worn to anything other than sporting event and your wedding. So either make that investment in your 20s or save up a couple of extra bills for that throwback jersey if you wait until your my age.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Rome Wasn't Built in a Day... But it Could be Toppled in One
The term “rock bottom” is thrown quite a bit, and quite often prematurely. My theory on the overuse of this term is that while the situation may look like it has bottomed out from afar, you often underestimate the incompetence/blind spots of those at the heart of the situation. For example:
• George Lucas decides to write the Star Wars prequels himself… then proceeds to give Jar Jar Binks more lines than Lando Calrissian.
• Jean Van de Velde pulling out the driver on 18 at Carnoustie… then goes for the green with his second shot.
• George Bush puts L. Paul Bremmer in charge of rebuilding and stabilization of Iraq… and then doubles down with Mike Brown at FEMA.
• [Insert life story of any child TV star]
Those are pretty obvious and quick examples, but sometimes these situations sneak up on you 25 years after the fact. In 1985 Starship released We Built this City, an utterly horrible song by an utterly horrible band. In this case, you’d think this was rock bottom for Grace Slick after penning/performing lead vocals on White Rabbit and Somebody to Love.
Fast forward 25 years. Sioux City* finds a new bottom for this song with one of the most ill conceived promotion videos of all time. If you want a quick image think two parts Michael Scott with one part Midwestern hokie. Unfortunately, this video has resulted in We Built this City bouncing around in my head for the past week. And the only way to get a song out of your head is to pass it on. So I give you my review of this video in the hope it will bring me peace and sanity for the first time in a week.
* You may know Sioux City by its nickname, “the only reason anyone should have to look forward to Omaha.”
The Greeters: 0:16
From the looks of it this is the volunteer corps of the Sioux City Tourism Bureau. There are a couple of things that stand out here:
• Pay attention to the scissors. If you have a feeling that is not the last you’ll see of those you’re 100% correct and obviously a connoisseur of hokie, amateur promotional videos.
• The old guy looks less-than-enthused to be there. My guess is that his wife forced him to come despite the fact that his immediate reaction was something along the lines of “they trained me how to kill a man with my bare hands in Korea… and I will kill you if you ask me again.”
Mid-Market News Teams: 0:20
If you’ve ever lived in a mid-sized city such as Sioux City (I grew up close to Peoria) the members of the local network news team are THE regional celebrities. And within these mid-market new teams, there are also two kinds of newscasters:
1) Young bucks that are hoping to take a step up in market size with their next job.
2) The guy whose career topped out in this city 30 years ago who is now the “dean of [city name] newscasters.” This is roughly equivalent to Crash Davis’ minor league home run record.
To all you aspiring newscasters, participating in a video like this is a good way to ensure this is your last step up the media market ladder. Especially when you’re singing style makes you a dead ringer for a Peanuts Cartoon.
Landmark Montage: 0:29
If you have a landmark montage that lasts less than 20 seconds you’re in trouble. If that same montage includes a bike trail and an interstate highway, you’re in Sioux City. And what’s with the mini-Washington Monument? At one point did a city planner think that a family would come to Sioux City instead of DC because of this? Or was this a half hearted attempt to try and compete with Mount Rushmore?
Running in Circles: 1:05
A friend pointed out that the kids running in circles will eventually have to transfer once their involvement of this video leaks out on campus. I’d take it a step further, these girls will have to transfer multiple times and will end up making Sarah Palin’s educational odyssey look stable in comparison.
There Are No Winners: 1:30
Anyone involved in this video will be irrevocably damaged for years to come… unless you’re the guy wearing the mascot outfit, then you have a fighting chance. And for your reference, the mascot’s participation in this video is the one time in the history of man that wearing a mascot uniform enhances your chances of getting laid.
Only Losers: 1:31
Conversely, this is also the one time the line “I’m a fireman” works against you in your quest to get laid.
Radio & Newspaper Talent: 1:48
There’s a very awkward moment in which the choreographer attempts to have a local radio station attempt a video technique that can best be described as a declining totem pole. The timing is about as awkward as John Edwards announcing a President run. This may be the most awkward moment of the most awkward video I’ve ever seen.
Correction, the two newspaper columnists blew the radio guys* out of the water with the hide behind the paper routine. But the good news for these two is that working for a newspaper provides a nice, stable job for the rest of their lives.
* I use the term “guys” loosely. The person on the left may have batted cleanup for the 1997 Iowa Hawkeyes Softball Team.
Respect My Authorita: 2:59
I’m not normally one to advocate for ignoring the law, but if anyone in this video attempts to pull you over I fully endorse your right to lead them on a 6 state car chase.
Mr. Gorbechev… Tear Down that Chimney: 3:17
Did you really need to show the owner’s name of the video of the chimney destruction? Getting a free video of a business collapse is the second easiest type of clip to find on YouTube behind men getting hit in the groin.
This is Why Congress Has Low Approval Ratings: 3:56
Not really, but this is about the only thing they could do to take it any lower.
Always Be Closing: 4:17
And just like the concept of rock bottom, the end of this video manages to dig even further below rock bottom.
• If you’re an EMT and you want your patients to think they’re going to die, this is a good start.
• At this point, if you’re still involved in the video you’re the same type of person that the Milgram Experiment made infamous.
• The dancing cat is the second least enthused participant behind the old guy.
• The scissors are back. What would posses you to bring an oversized pair of wooden scissors to a random parking lot for a photo shoot? Other than a complete lack of self-awareness.
• If Brett Michaels is your closer and it’s not 1986, it’s time to find a new closer.
Of course, maybe this isn’t rock bottom for Sioux City… maybe they’ll be sued for violating the fair use of the song.
• George Lucas decides to write the Star Wars prequels himself… then proceeds to give Jar Jar Binks more lines than Lando Calrissian.
• Jean Van de Velde pulling out the driver on 18 at Carnoustie… then goes for the green with his second shot.
• George Bush puts L. Paul Bremmer in charge of rebuilding and stabilization of Iraq… and then doubles down with Mike Brown at FEMA.
• [Insert life story of any child TV star]
Those are pretty obvious and quick examples, but sometimes these situations sneak up on you 25 years after the fact. In 1985 Starship released We Built this City, an utterly horrible song by an utterly horrible band. In this case, you’d think this was rock bottom for Grace Slick after penning/performing lead vocals on White Rabbit and Somebody to Love.
Fast forward 25 years. Sioux City* finds a new bottom for this song with one of the most ill conceived promotion videos of all time. If you want a quick image think two parts Michael Scott with one part Midwestern hokie. Unfortunately, this video has resulted in We Built this City bouncing around in my head for the past week. And the only way to get a song out of your head is to pass it on. So I give you my review of this video in the hope it will bring me peace and sanity for the first time in a week.
* You may know Sioux City by its nickname, “the only reason anyone should have to look forward to Omaha.”
The Greeters: 0:16
From the looks of it this is the volunteer corps of the Sioux City Tourism Bureau. There are a couple of things that stand out here:
• Pay attention to the scissors. If you have a feeling that is not the last you’ll see of those you’re 100% correct and obviously a connoisseur of hokie, amateur promotional videos.
• The old guy looks less-than-enthused to be there. My guess is that his wife forced him to come despite the fact that his immediate reaction was something along the lines of “they trained me how to kill a man with my bare hands in Korea… and I will kill you if you ask me again.”
Mid-Market News Teams: 0:20
If you’ve ever lived in a mid-sized city such as Sioux City (I grew up close to Peoria) the members of the local network news team are THE regional celebrities. And within these mid-market new teams, there are also two kinds of newscasters:
1) Young bucks that are hoping to take a step up in market size with their next job.
2) The guy whose career topped out in this city 30 years ago who is now the “dean of [city name] newscasters.” This is roughly equivalent to Crash Davis’ minor league home run record.
To all you aspiring newscasters, participating in a video like this is a good way to ensure this is your last step up the media market ladder. Especially when you’re singing style makes you a dead ringer for a Peanuts Cartoon.
Landmark Montage: 0:29
If you have a landmark montage that lasts less than 20 seconds you’re in trouble. If that same montage includes a bike trail and an interstate highway, you’re in Sioux City. And what’s with the mini-Washington Monument? At one point did a city planner think that a family would come to Sioux City instead of DC because of this? Or was this a half hearted attempt to try and compete with Mount Rushmore?
Running in Circles: 1:05
A friend pointed out that the kids running in circles will eventually have to transfer once their involvement of this video leaks out on campus. I’d take it a step further, these girls will have to transfer multiple times and will end up making Sarah Palin’s educational odyssey look stable in comparison.
There Are No Winners: 1:30
Anyone involved in this video will be irrevocably damaged for years to come… unless you’re the guy wearing the mascot outfit, then you have a fighting chance. And for your reference, the mascot’s participation in this video is the one time in the history of man that wearing a mascot uniform enhances your chances of getting laid.
Only Losers: 1:31
Conversely, this is also the one time the line “I’m a fireman” works against you in your quest to get laid.
Radio & Newspaper Talent: 1:48
There’s a very awkward moment in which the choreographer attempts to have a local radio station attempt a video technique that can best be described as a declining totem pole. The timing is about as awkward as John Edwards announcing a President run. This may be the most awkward moment of the most awkward video I’ve ever seen.
Correction, the two newspaper columnists blew the radio guys* out of the water with the hide behind the paper routine. But the good news for these two is that working for a newspaper provides a nice, stable job for the rest of their lives.
* I use the term “guys” loosely. The person on the left may have batted cleanup for the 1997 Iowa Hawkeyes Softball Team.
Respect My Authorita: 2:59
I’m not normally one to advocate for ignoring the law, but if anyone in this video attempts to pull you over I fully endorse your right to lead them on a 6 state car chase.
Mr. Gorbechev… Tear Down that Chimney: 3:17
Did you really need to show the owner’s name of the video of the chimney destruction? Getting a free video of a business collapse is the second easiest type of clip to find on YouTube behind men getting hit in the groin.
This is Why Congress Has Low Approval Ratings: 3:56
Not really, but this is about the only thing they could do to take it any lower.
Always Be Closing: 4:17
And just like the concept of rock bottom, the end of this video manages to dig even further below rock bottom.
• If you’re an EMT and you want your patients to think they’re going to die, this is a good start.
• At this point, if you’re still involved in the video you’re the same type of person that the Milgram Experiment made infamous.
• The dancing cat is the second least enthused participant behind the old guy.
• The scissors are back. What would posses you to bring an oversized pair of wooden scissors to a random parking lot for a photo shoot? Other than a complete lack of self-awareness.
• If Brett Michaels is your closer and it’s not 1986, it’s time to find a new closer.
Of course, maybe this isn’t rock bottom for Sioux City… maybe they’ll be sued for violating the fair use of the song.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Flipping Off The Fickle Finger of Faith
Tiger Town.
Most people don’t know this movie, nor should they. Even the most stout fans of 1980s made-for-TV Disney movies would call it overly cheesy. The only cultural significance of this movie is to illustrate how far Roy Scheider had fallen after Jaws. For me it had an additional personal meaning. It was one of two movies my brother would rent on our weekly trip to the video store growing up – the other being Harry and the Hendersons. And his constant renting of these movies was a thorn in my side for two reasons.
1) We had one TV, meaning that one of two movies that we had already seen 500 times was bound to take over the TV for at least two hours that week.
2) His infatuation with these movies limited my ability to manipulate my two younger brothers’ selections to ensure my choices made it into my Mom’s hands.
The plot of Tiger Town is simple.
Tigers stink.
Kid goes to games with his dad.
Tigers win and aging slugger has great game when they attend.
Dad dies.
Kid becomes obsessed with Tigers games.
Tigers keep winning when he attends.
He’s delayed to the final game of the season and arrives in the ninth inning with the slugger at-bat.
You can guess how it ends… unless you’re my brother. Apparently he needed to regularly remind himself that Roy promptly banged a 2 run home run to win the game as soon as the kid ran into the stadium. And this is despite the fact that Roy had a swing that made Robert Redford’s look like Joe DiMaggio… is it that hard to cast someone who played high school baseball in a made-for-TV movie?
But on Monday night my long-held view of this movie was altered during game 2 of the Blackhawks and Canucks series. The Hawks were down 1-0 in the series at home, it wasn’t a must-win but it was pretty darn close. We walk in a bit late and get to our seats 4 minutes into the game with the Hawks down 2-0. Yikes. My immediate thought was that it was a nice run and the team will be back next year to make another run at the Cup.
As a joke, I mentioned Tiger Town to my friends and how my arrival could turn the game around. Of course, neither of them had any friggin’ clue what I was talking about so I had to walk them through the plot. But 30 seconds into my explanation of the movie the Hawks break through with a goal. Tiger Town mother#*$&er. I remained glued to my seat for the remainder of the game and when the final horn sounded, the Hawks skated away with a 4-2 win.
That’s when the genius of Tiger Town dawned on me. That movie isn’t about the kid, or the Tigers, or even the slow decay of Detroit. It’s a fantasy about having the power to fully control your own destiny. Rationally, we all know that our lucky seat or pre-game meal has no impact on a game in which we are not playing. But I guarantee you notice that your favorite team is 10-0 when you shotgun a Natty Light after the national anthem I bet you’re going to find a can of Natty Light before that first note hits your ear in game 11.
We all want to believe our path is entirely under our control, and it largely is, but sometimes shit happens. A perfectly healthy person gets sick. A war breaks out in someone’s backyard. The Oakland Raiders take you with the 7th pick in the draft. Heck, Malcolm Gladwell wrote an entire book on how there is invariably some immaculate stroke of good luck behind every success story.
That’s the beauty of Tiger Town. There’s no dumb luck. There’s no bad luck. It’s all on us. You don’t have to worry about some schmuck with Tuberculosis trying to impress the boss who ends up sitting next to you on the 9:30 United flight out of O’Hare*.
* Here’s a general rule of thumb for business travel. If you’re sitting in coach, you’re not important enough to fly sick and put everyone’s health at risk.
And it’s a great thing to have that responsibility. There’s no need to curse fate, or wonder what might have been. Everything you achieve is based entirely upon your doing. Unfortunately, we live in a world where randomization is a big part of the equation. Your success largely hinges on your ability to take advantage of the breaks and overcome the roadblocks in your path.
That being said, I couldn’t attend the Hawks’ game 5 loss at home; but don’t worry Hawks fans, I have tickets for game 7.
Most people don’t know this movie, nor should they. Even the most stout fans of 1980s made-for-TV Disney movies would call it overly cheesy. The only cultural significance of this movie is to illustrate how far Roy Scheider had fallen after Jaws. For me it had an additional personal meaning. It was one of two movies my brother would rent on our weekly trip to the video store growing up – the other being Harry and the Hendersons. And his constant renting of these movies was a thorn in my side for two reasons.
1) We had one TV, meaning that one of two movies that we had already seen 500 times was bound to take over the TV for at least two hours that week.
2) His infatuation with these movies limited my ability to manipulate my two younger brothers’ selections to ensure my choices made it into my Mom’s hands.
The plot of Tiger Town is simple.
Tigers stink.
Kid goes to games with his dad.
Tigers win and aging slugger has great game when they attend.
Dad dies.
Kid becomes obsessed with Tigers games.
Tigers keep winning when he attends.
He’s delayed to the final game of the season and arrives in the ninth inning with the slugger at-bat.
You can guess how it ends… unless you’re my brother. Apparently he needed to regularly remind himself that Roy promptly banged a 2 run home run to win the game as soon as the kid ran into the stadium. And this is despite the fact that Roy had a swing that made Robert Redford’s look like Joe DiMaggio… is it that hard to cast someone who played high school baseball in a made-for-TV movie?
But on Monday night my long-held view of this movie was altered during game 2 of the Blackhawks and Canucks series. The Hawks were down 1-0 in the series at home, it wasn’t a must-win but it was pretty darn close. We walk in a bit late and get to our seats 4 minutes into the game with the Hawks down 2-0. Yikes. My immediate thought was that it was a nice run and the team will be back next year to make another run at the Cup.
As a joke, I mentioned Tiger Town to my friends and how my arrival could turn the game around. Of course, neither of them had any friggin’ clue what I was talking about so I had to walk them through the plot. But 30 seconds into my explanation of the movie the Hawks break through with a goal. Tiger Town mother#*$&er. I remained glued to my seat for the remainder of the game and when the final horn sounded, the Hawks skated away with a 4-2 win.
That’s when the genius of Tiger Town dawned on me. That movie isn’t about the kid, or the Tigers, or even the slow decay of Detroit. It’s a fantasy about having the power to fully control your own destiny. Rationally, we all know that our lucky seat or pre-game meal has no impact on a game in which we are not playing. But I guarantee you notice that your favorite team is 10-0 when you shotgun a Natty Light after the national anthem I bet you’re going to find a can of Natty Light before that first note hits your ear in game 11.
We all want to believe our path is entirely under our control, and it largely is, but sometimes shit happens. A perfectly healthy person gets sick. A war breaks out in someone’s backyard. The Oakland Raiders take you with the 7th pick in the draft. Heck, Malcolm Gladwell wrote an entire book on how there is invariably some immaculate stroke of good luck behind every success story.
That’s the beauty of Tiger Town. There’s no dumb luck. There’s no bad luck. It’s all on us. You don’t have to worry about some schmuck with Tuberculosis trying to impress the boss who ends up sitting next to you on the 9:30 United flight out of O’Hare*.
* Here’s a general rule of thumb for business travel. If you’re sitting in coach, you’re not important enough to fly sick and put everyone’s health at risk.
And it’s a great thing to have that responsibility. There’s no need to curse fate, or wonder what might have been. Everything you achieve is based entirely upon your doing. Unfortunately, we live in a world where randomization is a big part of the equation. Your success largely hinges on your ability to take advantage of the breaks and overcome the roadblocks in your path.
That being said, I couldn’t attend the Hawks’ game 5 loss at home; but don’t worry Hawks fans, I have tickets for game 7.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
An Ode to LaRussa
Tony LaRussa’s butchering of the recent 20 inning game against the Mets led me to dust off a classic in homage to a textbook case of over managing. Of course, this version pales in comparison to another the version Dennis Miller did, before he went crazy of course, on Darryl Strawberry.
The outlook wasn't brilliant for the St Louis nine that day*:
The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play.
And then when Lopez died at first, and Scrappy McShumaker did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the reddened necks at the game.
* Is there ever a day in which the outlook is brilliant in St. Louis? St. Louis is like Baltimore with mosquitoes, humidity and Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
started up the stairs but stopped when their high cholesterol caused that shooting pain which springs eternal in the typical overweight St. Louis breast;
They thought, if only Albert could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Albert at the bat.
But thanks to 6 double switches by LaRussa*, Ryan preceded Casey, as did also Freese,
And the former was a lulu and the latter was busy getting drunk in the afternoon breeze;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Albert’s getting to the bat.
* I’m beginning to think Dave Duncan has gone from underrated to overrated and now back to underrated. St. Louis’ recent success can be attributed to two things; Pujols and washed up pitchers revitalizing their careers. Carpenter, Suppan, Weaver, Wellemeyer, Pinero, Loshe were all castaways that because solid or spectacular under Duncan. LaRussa’s main accomplishment with St. Louis appears to have been handed the greatest hitter since Ted Williams, turning the other way when finding syringes in the trash, extending the length of each game by about 20 minutes and successfully converting Rick Ainkel from a #1 starter into a 4th outfielder . Well played Tony.
But Ryan let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Freese, the much despised drunk driver, let one loose a shot similar to the one Holliday misplayed off his balls;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Freese was safe at second and Ryan a-hugging third.
Then from 25,000 Budweiser lubricated throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled through the Missouri valley, it rattled in the dell;
It knocked upon the arch and echoed off their fat,
For Albert, mighty Albert, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Albert's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Albert's bearing and a smile on LaRussa's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Albert at the bat.
Fifty thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
The same tongues that applauded when McGwire mysteriously added 50 pounds of muscular girth.
Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Albert's eye, a sneer curled Albert's lip.
And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Albert stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped-
Because first base was open and LaRussa had used his entire bench, the fans failed to see the pitcher spot due up next. “Ball one," the umpire said.
From the stands, the self appointed greatest fans in the world let loose a muffled roar,
Because while they like to claim to appreciate good baseball, they really just want to Big Mac or Albert swat balls onto the Mississippi shore.
"Pitch to him you puss!" shouted one of the good ole’ boys in the stands;
And its likely they'd a-killed him had not Albert raised his hand.
With a smile of Christian charity great Albert's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tension; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;
But it was a foot outside, and the umpire said, "Ball two."
"You Suck!" cried the 12 year old and his mulleted father wearing a shirt that said Zambrano Mows my lawn;
But one scornful look from Albert and the audience was awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that next week LaRussa would probably make this mistake again.
The sneer is gone from Albert's lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;
Because he just took ball four and now walks away from the plate.
And now the pitcher still holds the ball, and a reliever must come to bat,
And soon the air will be deflated, with the sound of the Cardinals falling flat.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in St Louis – because the reliever has struck out.
The outlook wasn't brilliant for the St Louis nine that day*:
The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play.
And then when Lopez died at first, and Scrappy McShumaker did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the reddened necks at the game.
* Is there ever a day in which the outlook is brilliant in St. Louis? St. Louis is like Baltimore with mosquitoes, humidity and Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
started up the stairs but stopped when their high cholesterol caused that shooting pain which springs eternal in the typical overweight St. Louis breast;
They thought, if only Albert could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Albert at the bat.
But thanks to 6 double switches by LaRussa*, Ryan preceded Casey, as did also Freese,
And the former was a lulu and the latter was busy getting drunk in the afternoon breeze;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Albert’s getting to the bat.
* I’m beginning to think Dave Duncan has gone from underrated to overrated and now back to underrated. St. Louis’ recent success can be attributed to two things; Pujols and washed up pitchers revitalizing their careers. Carpenter, Suppan, Weaver, Wellemeyer, Pinero, Loshe were all castaways that because solid or spectacular under Duncan. LaRussa’s main accomplishment with St. Louis appears to have been handed the greatest hitter since Ted Williams, turning the other way when finding syringes in the trash, extending the length of each game by about 20 minutes and successfully converting Rick Ainkel from a #1 starter into a 4th outfielder . Well played Tony.
But Ryan let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Freese, the much despised drunk driver, let one loose a shot similar to the one Holliday misplayed off his balls;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Freese was safe at second and Ryan a-hugging third.
Then from 25,000 Budweiser lubricated throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled through the Missouri valley, it rattled in the dell;
It knocked upon the arch and echoed off their fat,
For Albert, mighty Albert, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Albert's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Albert's bearing and a smile on LaRussa's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Albert at the bat.
Fifty thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
The same tongues that applauded when McGwire mysteriously added 50 pounds of muscular girth.
Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Albert's eye, a sneer curled Albert's lip.
And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Albert stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped-
Because first base was open and LaRussa had used his entire bench, the fans failed to see the pitcher spot due up next. “Ball one," the umpire said.
From the stands, the self appointed greatest fans in the world let loose a muffled roar,
Because while they like to claim to appreciate good baseball, they really just want to Big Mac or Albert swat balls onto the Mississippi shore.
"Pitch to him you puss!" shouted one of the good ole’ boys in the stands;
And its likely they'd a-killed him had not Albert raised his hand.
With a smile of Christian charity great Albert's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tension; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;
But it was a foot outside, and the umpire said, "Ball two."
"You Suck!" cried the 12 year old and his mulleted father wearing a shirt that said Zambrano Mows my lawn;
But one scornful look from Albert and the audience was awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that next week LaRussa would probably make this mistake again.
The sneer is gone from Albert's lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;
Because he just took ball four and now walks away from the plate.
And now the pitcher still holds the ball, and a reliever must come to bat,
And soon the air will be deflated, with the sound of the Cardinals falling flat.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in St Louis – because the reliever has struck out.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
40 (+7) Days of Night
Lent. A time for Catholics to hurriedly find something to deprive themselves of as soon as they see a stranger on the bus with ashes on their forehead on what they thought was a random Wednesday. Most Catholics gave up this tradition in 1972. Most non-practicing Catholics started ignoring this tradition as soon as they left their parent’s house. And the rest of the Catholic religion is waiting for the Church to apologize for any two* of the multiple transgressions the Church has committed in the past 500 years to resume the tradition.
* Technically the church did issue a lukewarm apology for its treatment of Galileo 300 years after subjecting him to the inquisition. So if you’re scoring at home, that’s 300 years to acknowledge the error of imprisoning a man who said the earth revolved around the sun. Anyone want to put money on when the next apology comes in?
So that makes me one of the only people to continue this tradition despite the fact I haven’t set foot in a church in about 3 years. And this year I decided to step it up a notch. In Lent ’10 I decided to give up beer. This is the story of one man’s journey.
Day 0
This will be easy, I’m coming off the bar Olympics (which involves the consumption of about a case of cheap beer before noon… unless you’re my friend Steve, then it involves the dumping of a case of cheap beer down the sink while no one is looking before noon) and a nasty cold. The last thing I need right now is a beer. Sure St. Paddy’s Day and the tourney will be tough but I’m a refined man that can adapt by sipping scotch and trying this wine thing.
Day 1
I grow discouraged about this project. Are there really still 39 days left?
Day 14 – Blackhawks v. Oilers
The first real challenge presents itself, making it through an entire hockey game without a beer. Hey, at least it’s not baseball season. To make things worse we’re pre-gaming at a bar called the Beer Bistro, a bar that not only has one of the best beer selections in the city and tonight happens to be $2 Schlitz night.
Another problem, I’m pretty sure the rest of the season ticket holders in my section doubted my hockey cred already. Everything I learned about hockey came from the Sega Genesis and I’ve never been on skates in my life. The fact that I’m drinking vodka tonics is not helping my case.
The good news is that it’s Jonathan Toews bobble head night so to night vodka tonic guy isn’t the lowest person on the social totem pole at the stadium… it’s the 45 year old men that are guarding the bobble head like it’s their first born. Leave it to the citizens of Schaumburg to treat a $5 piece of plastic like the Hope Diamond.
Day 18
I’ve actually started to think about the first beer I’m going to have. Is making a beer pro/con list the sign of a problem or just the sign of a great thinker? Also, I notice that every bar has a beer special but no one seems to cut you a deal on booze. The world is aligning against me.
Day 24 – St Paddy’s Day
A true test of one’s endurance, a full day of drinking that begins and ends with Jameson.
9am – All is well
11am – All is well. And to boot I was able to witness an event known as the “milk toss” in which a guy dressed up in a spectacular Boston Celtic track suit throws a gallon of milk out into the middle of Wells St. for no apparent reason.
2pm – All is well, and now I’m all in. A trip to the far northwest side means that I’m about a half hour away from home. The problem now is that I’ll have to be careful not to hit the wall and end up waking up in the back of a cab with the meter reading $80 or on the red line about 10 stops further south than I need to be.
5pm – I knew I forgot something, I should probably eat something today.
11pm – Still going strong, but drew the short straw and need to get the person in our group home who just passed out at the bar. Probably for the best. Like I said, if this goes on for too long this could end poorly. Not "I think it's a good idea to move to the suburbs" badly, but definitely "I can run a 5.0 40 yard dash down Ashland" badly.
Day 25 – Day after St Paddys
Remarkably the hangover isn’t as bad as years past, I’m guessing that has to do with the lack of green Miller Lite and corned beef cabbage sandwiches that have been sitting on a table for 14 hours. If you’re scoring at home the record is 15 sandwiches set in 2004, a record I’m pretty sure my wife will not allow me to approach again.
Days 29-32 – NCAA Tourney Round 1
Last time I tried to tackle the first round of the tournament on hard liquor I ended up getting drank under the table by a 45 year-old single newspaper reporter at a piano bar. The lesson to all you kids out there, never go shot for shot with someone who was beaten down by life while you were still watching the Bozo Show. The good news about that night is that I stayed upright long enough to watch Iowa State make history as being one of the only #2 seeds to lose in the first round.
Day 36-39 – NCAA Tournament Round 2
A friend just dropped two bombs on me. One, Ginger Ale is considered a soft drink. IMO it seems a little too old timey to be considered a soda by my definition. The big one is the fact that Lent is 47 days long this year. What’s this shit? In 12 years of Catholic school I retained a few key pieces of information:
1. Somewhere between the Old and New Testament, God mellowed out
2. Jesus was a carpenter
3. Lent is 40 days
This is horrible. Right now I feel like a Cleveland sports fan. I’m not really sure who’s to blame for this mess, but I’m pretty sure it’s time to cancel my season tickets (especially when Lebron signs with the Nets).
Day 46
The last week has been a bit hard to describe. So as we approach midnight of Easter I’ll just let this clip do the explaining. It’s safe to say that I will not be giving up beer next year… and that I will be checking the calendar in advance.
And it case you’re wondering, I went with Peroni.
* Technically the church did issue a lukewarm apology for its treatment of Galileo 300 years after subjecting him to the inquisition. So if you’re scoring at home, that’s 300 years to acknowledge the error of imprisoning a man who said the earth revolved around the sun. Anyone want to put money on when the next apology comes in?
So that makes me one of the only people to continue this tradition despite the fact I haven’t set foot in a church in about 3 years. And this year I decided to step it up a notch. In Lent ’10 I decided to give up beer. This is the story of one man’s journey.
Day 0
This will be easy, I’m coming off the bar Olympics (which involves the consumption of about a case of cheap beer before noon… unless you’re my friend Steve, then it involves the dumping of a case of cheap beer down the sink while no one is looking before noon) and a nasty cold. The last thing I need right now is a beer. Sure St. Paddy’s Day and the tourney will be tough but I’m a refined man that can adapt by sipping scotch and trying this wine thing.
Day 1
I grow discouraged about this project. Are there really still 39 days left?
Day 14 – Blackhawks v. Oilers
The first real challenge presents itself, making it through an entire hockey game without a beer. Hey, at least it’s not baseball season. To make things worse we’re pre-gaming at a bar called the Beer Bistro, a bar that not only has one of the best beer selections in the city and tonight happens to be $2 Schlitz night.
Another problem, I’m pretty sure the rest of the season ticket holders in my section doubted my hockey cred already. Everything I learned about hockey came from the Sega Genesis and I’ve never been on skates in my life. The fact that I’m drinking vodka tonics is not helping my case.
The good news is that it’s Jonathan Toews bobble head night so to night vodka tonic guy isn’t the lowest person on the social totem pole at the stadium… it’s the 45 year old men that are guarding the bobble head like it’s their first born. Leave it to the citizens of Schaumburg to treat a $5 piece of plastic like the Hope Diamond.
Day 18
I’ve actually started to think about the first beer I’m going to have. Is making a beer pro/con list the sign of a problem or just the sign of a great thinker? Also, I notice that every bar has a beer special but no one seems to cut you a deal on booze. The world is aligning against me.
Day 24 – St Paddy’s Day
A true test of one’s endurance, a full day of drinking that begins and ends with Jameson.
9am – All is well
11am – All is well. And to boot I was able to witness an event known as the “milk toss” in which a guy dressed up in a spectacular Boston Celtic track suit throws a gallon of milk out into the middle of Wells St. for no apparent reason.
2pm – All is well, and now I’m all in. A trip to the far northwest side means that I’m about a half hour away from home. The problem now is that I’ll have to be careful not to hit the wall and end up waking up in the back of a cab with the meter reading $80 or on the red line about 10 stops further south than I need to be.
5pm – I knew I forgot something, I should probably eat something today.
11pm – Still going strong, but drew the short straw and need to get the person in our group home who just passed out at the bar. Probably for the best. Like I said, if this goes on for too long this could end poorly. Not "I think it's a good idea to move to the suburbs" badly, but definitely "I can run a 5.0 40 yard dash down Ashland" badly.
Day 25 – Day after St Paddys
Remarkably the hangover isn’t as bad as years past, I’m guessing that has to do with the lack of green Miller Lite and corned beef cabbage sandwiches that have been sitting on a table for 14 hours. If you’re scoring at home the record is 15 sandwiches set in 2004, a record I’m pretty sure my wife will not allow me to approach again.
Days 29-32 – NCAA Tourney Round 1
Last time I tried to tackle the first round of the tournament on hard liquor I ended up getting drank under the table by a 45 year-old single newspaper reporter at a piano bar. The lesson to all you kids out there, never go shot for shot with someone who was beaten down by life while you were still watching the Bozo Show. The good news about that night is that I stayed upright long enough to watch Iowa State make history as being one of the only #2 seeds to lose in the first round.
Day 36-39 – NCAA Tournament Round 2
A friend just dropped two bombs on me. One, Ginger Ale is considered a soft drink. IMO it seems a little too old timey to be considered a soda by my definition. The big one is the fact that Lent is 47 days long this year. What’s this shit? In 12 years of Catholic school I retained a few key pieces of information:
1. Somewhere between the Old and New Testament, God mellowed out
2. Jesus was a carpenter
3. Lent is 40 days
This is horrible. Right now I feel like a Cleveland sports fan. I’m not really sure who’s to blame for this mess, but I’m pretty sure it’s time to cancel my season tickets (especially when Lebron signs with the Nets).
Day 46
The last week has been a bit hard to describe. So as we approach midnight of Easter I’ll just let this clip do the explaining. It’s safe to say that I will not be giving up beer next year… and that I will be checking the calendar in advance.
And it case you’re wondering, I went with Peroni.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Great Debates: Yacht v. Race Horse
Would you rather name a yacht or a race horse? While this might not be an argument on the level of Magic versus Bird or The Wire versus Mad Men, it should be; because this question is a conundrum. First off, if you’re in a position to have to deal with this question it means you have an inordinate amount of disposable income… Big Ern coin.
But before we answer the question, we need to ground the debate in reality:
• You can’t exactly pluck either of these off eBay at 1:30 in the morning while drunkenly searching for Lebowski memorabilia. In other words, both require a Scrooge McDuck level of disposable income.
• When I mean yacht, I mean yacht. Not your uncle’s fishing boat. If it requires a motor, it doesn’t count. If it requires an engine, your mind is in the right place.
• A horse is not a horse unless of course that horse runs a 1.2 40 yard dash. This horse pulling a carriage in the park or available for your daughter’s riding lesson. The horse doesn’t have to be in the Derby, but it’s got to be fast enough for degenerate gamblers to take notice.
• You also have no guarantee of the horse’s success other than it will race professionally. This isn’t a free ticket to the Derby… you’re going to have to earn it. (And by “you” I mean the horse, your trainer and the 95 pound guy strapped on the horse’s back with a whip.)
But what if you could only afford one? That is why we have the great debates series and an objective way to settle this. And while Scarface might be one of the most over quoted movies ever (future blog subject alert), the Tony Montanna scale can be very useful to settle this one… money, power, women.
Money
We’ve already settled that you already have a ton of money, but how much does it cost to maintain your new toy? I’m sure the phrase “hungry as a horse” is grounded in fact. And I know enough about the cost to dock a yacht in Chicago to know that just parking the thing is likely to cost you a couple of years of college tuition. And since I’m too lazy to research this let’s chalk up variable cost to a draw.
So it comes down to revenue. At first glance the racehorse would seem to run away with this Secretariat style. But I refuse to yield this when ascending to the top of your profession means you’ll have to spend time in Kentucky and Baltimore (FYI the 1:20 mark of this clip is the highlight) if you reach the summit of your sport. And don’t forget you can always rent out your yacht; folks from CEOs out for a weekend of sport fishing to Pablo Escobar to Biggie find themselves in the market.
But even in the most bullish of markets the thrill of winning a race beats the worry that comes with renting out your yacht to the worst criminals out there… and the drug runners and rappers can’t be that much better than the CEOs. Plus, no one pounds 12 Coronas and gets sick on your horse.
Edge, Race Horse.
Power
Neither really brings too much formal power, although I think if you win the Derby you automatically win appointment to the University of Kentucky’s Board of Regents and your horse gets an honorary doctorate.
But what about informal power? You can bring up either one to successfully shut up a coworker bragging about his new BMW. But both also come with upstage potential – you’re not going to feel too powerful when Secretariat beats you by 400 yards or if your yacht is parked next to Larry Ellison’s. Plus, it’s not like you can drive either of them. You’ve got to hire a captain for your boat or a jockey for your horse.
To settle this one we’re going to have to get literal. Apparently yacht engines have a horsepower between 5 and 40. By my math that’s a strong edge to the yacht. And if there was any remaining doubt you’d want to consider the fact that we know Al Cervik owns a boat, but have no records of him owning a race horse. When in doubt, in Rodney we trust.
Edge, yacht.
Women
I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I know better as a married man than to try and answer this question or go Googling “Hot Women Partying at the Derby” or “Wild Yacht Party in International Waters” on a work laptop. So let’s just say that neither is going to hurt your chances, move on and call this a draw.
Conclusion
Like all great debates, this one is a nail biter; you really can’t go wrong either way.
For me it comes down to a personal preference of preferring to remain on solid ground. It’s a race horse by a nose. So while anything goes in international waters, no one has ever drowned, gotten seasick, disappeared or ran into pirates at the racetrack. Although I’m the first to admit that it’s debatable where pirates rank on the social scale relative to a degenerate horse racing gambler.
But if anyone out there ever has a chance to name either, give me a ring and I’ll be happy to help with the naming and to supplement this theoretical study with a more direct experience.
But before we answer the question, we need to ground the debate in reality:
• You can’t exactly pluck either of these off eBay at 1:30 in the morning while drunkenly searching for Lebowski memorabilia. In other words, both require a Scrooge McDuck level of disposable income.
• When I mean yacht, I mean yacht. Not your uncle’s fishing boat. If it requires a motor, it doesn’t count. If it requires an engine, your mind is in the right place.
• A horse is not a horse unless of course that horse runs a 1.2 40 yard dash. This horse pulling a carriage in the park or available for your daughter’s riding lesson. The horse doesn’t have to be in the Derby, but it’s got to be fast enough for degenerate gamblers to take notice.
• You also have no guarantee of the horse’s success other than it will race professionally. This isn’t a free ticket to the Derby… you’re going to have to earn it. (And by “you” I mean the horse, your trainer and the 95 pound guy strapped on the horse’s back with a whip.)
But what if you could only afford one? That is why we have the great debates series and an objective way to settle this. And while Scarface might be one of the most over quoted movies ever (future blog subject alert), the Tony Montanna scale can be very useful to settle this one… money, power, women.
Money
We’ve already settled that you already have a ton of money, but how much does it cost to maintain your new toy? I’m sure the phrase “hungry as a horse” is grounded in fact. And I know enough about the cost to dock a yacht in Chicago to know that just parking the thing is likely to cost you a couple of years of college tuition. And since I’m too lazy to research this let’s chalk up variable cost to a draw.
So it comes down to revenue. At first glance the racehorse would seem to run away with this Secretariat style. But I refuse to yield this when ascending to the top of your profession means you’ll have to spend time in Kentucky and Baltimore (FYI the 1:20 mark of this clip is the highlight) if you reach the summit of your sport. And don’t forget you can always rent out your yacht; folks from CEOs out for a weekend of sport fishing to Pablo Escobar to Biggie find themselves in the market.
But even in the most bullish of markets the thrill of winning a race beats the worry that comes with renting out your yacht to the worst criminals out there… and the drug runners and rappers can’t be that much better than the CEOs. Plus, no one pounds 12 Coronas and gets sick on your horse.
Edge, Race Horse.
Power
Neither really brings too much formal power, although I think if you win the Derby you automatically win appointment to the University of Kentucky’s Board of Regents and your horse gets an honorary doctorate.
But what about informal power? You can bring up either one to successfully shut up a coworker bragging about his new BMW. But both also come with upstage potential – you’re not going to feel too powerful when Secretariat beats you by 400 yards or if your yacht is parked next to Larry Ellison’s. Plus, it’s not like you can drive either of them. You’ve got to hire a captain for your boat or a jockey for your horse.
To settle this one we’re going to have to get literal. Apparently yacht engines have a horsepower between 5 and 40. By my math that’s a strong edge to the yacht. And if there was any remaining doubt you’d want to consider the fact that we know Al Cervik owns a boat, but have no records of him owning a race horse. When in doubt, in Rodney we trust.
Edge, yacht.
Women
I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I know better as a married man than to try and answer this question or go Googling “Hot Women Partying at the Derby” or “Wild Yacht Party in International Waters” on a work laptop. So let’s just say that neither is going to hurt your chances, move on and call this a draw.
Conclusion
Like all great debates, this one is a nail biter; you really can’t go wrong either way.
For me it comes down to a personal preference of preferring to remain on solid ground. It’s a race horse by a nose. So while anything goes in international waters, no one has ever drowned, gotten seasick, disappeared or ran into pirates at the racetrack. Although I’m the first to admit that it’s debatable where pirates rank on the social scale relative to a degenerate horse racing gambler.
But if anyone out there ever has a chance to name either, give me a ring and I’ll be happy to help with the naming and to supplement this theoretical study with a more direct experience.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Focus on the Family II: This Time it's Personal
A sequel of this magnitude hasn’t been seen since The Godfather II. Unfortunately you have me penning this script so you’re more likely to get The Godfather III. Remember, these questions are real… the answers are pure speculation.
Why are kids no longer required to shower after a school gym class?
I’m not sure what the answer his but I’m guessing Focus on the Family is going to try and link this to the lack of religion in schools. Well, I was wrong… you probably won't belive me but the answer is MUCH more creepy.
Why do my spouse and I never talk anymore?
Maybe you should ask her instead of a web site.
What is Pokemon, and what does Focus think of it?
Focus and I actually agree on this, Pokeman is eroding America’s values.
How can a father influence his daughter's attitude toward boys?
You’re going about this all wrong. Don’t try and influence your daughter, influence the boys. Next time a kid comes to pick up your daughter make he sees you cleaning your shotgun. That ought to do it.
Where is the gambling information on the Focus Web site?
“The” gambling information? I didn’t know Dr. Dobson had a blackjack system but why didn’t he tell Bill Bennett? I guess it makes sense, I could see Alex P. Keaton and Dr. Dobson attending the same political rallies.
Are there reasons why I shouldn't move in with my boyfriend?
There are plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t move in with that guy… Focus on the Family will probably give you the 5 least important ones.
Do you have a review of Twilight?
Slow down there sparky, Focus on the Family is still hashing out its Pokeman position. Check back in 10 years.
Is the American Girl company supporting a pro-abortion organization?
Only in this respect:
1) Single guy heads towards his favorite bar to watch some Saturday afternoon football with his buddies
2) Single guy sees a dad come out of the American Girl with his daughters and two shopping bags.
3) Single guy restocks his condom supply on the way home. .
What is a forum?
So we’ve transitioned from random questions of morality to a dictionary.
How can I keep my 14-year-old on track?
If you raise your kid in a strict religious household you’re going to get one of two outcomes. One, a clone of yourself that attends Bob Jones “University” and is a closet porn hound. Two, the girl doing shots of Tequila and dancing by herself in the bar at 7:00. Two tracks, very different destinations.
I'm 22 years old; why can't my parents leave me alone?
It’s probably because you’re still living in their basement because General Electric wasn’t impressed with that degree from Bob Jones “University” and your thesis attempting to disprove evolution.
Why does Focus on the Family cover only a limited range of issues?
Limited? Their FAQs cover everything from Pokemon to dead beat children to gay spouses; that seems to be a pretty wide range of issues. Do you need their opinion on the existence of the Yeti or what they thought about the last episode of Seinfeld?
I found a condom and a cigarette lighter in my daughter's purse. Should I confront her?
Well, since you found a condom and a lighter I’d say yes. Independently I’d just leave it be.
Our teenager is using drugs.
That’s not a question.
I'm a pastor who's addicted to Internet pornography, and I don't know where to turn.
How many pastors had to send in this question to get it on the board? And does Focus on the Family differentiate between Internet and other forms of porn? And when he/she asks "where to to turn" are they asking for help or recommendations?
Why are kids no longer required to shower after a school gym class?
I’m not sure what the answer his but I’m guessing Focus on the Family is going to try and link this to the lack of religion in schools. Well, I was wrong… you probably won't belive me but the answer is MUCH more creepy.
Why do my spouse and I never talk anymore?
Maybe you should ask her instead of a web site.
What is Pokemon, and what does Focus think of it?
Focus and I actually agree on this, Pokeman is eroding America’s values.
How can a father influence his daughter's attitude toward boys?
You’re going about this all wrong. Don’t try and influence your daughter, influence the boys. Next time a kid comes to pick up your daughter make he sees you cleaning your shotgun. That ought to do it.
Where is the gambling information on the Focus Web site?
“The” gambling information? I didn’t know Dr. Dobson had a blackjack system but why didn’t he tell Bill Bennett? I guess it makes sense, I could see Alex P. Keaton and Dr. Dobson attending the same political rallies.
Are there reasons why I shouldn't move in with my boyfriend?
There are plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t move in with that guy… Focus on the Family will probably give you the 5 least important ones.
Do you have a review of Twilight?
Slow down there sparky, Focus on the Family is still hashing out its Pokeman position. Check back in 10 years.
Is the American Girl company supporting a pro-abortion organization?
Only in this respect:
1) Single guy heads towards his favorite bar to watch some Saturday afternoon football with his buddies
2) Single guy sees a dad come out of the American Girl with his daughters and two shopping bags.
3) Single guy restocks his condom supply on the way home. .
What is a forum?
So we’ve transitioned from random questions of morality to a dictionary.
How can I keep my 14-year-old on track?
If you raise your kid in a strict religious household you’re going to get one of two outcomes. One, a clone of yourself that attends Bob Jones “University” and is a closet porn hound. Two, the girl doing shots of Tequila and dancing by herself in the bar at 7:00. Two tracks, very different destinations.
I'm 22 years old; why can't my parents leave me alone?
It’s probably because you’re still living in their basement because General Electric wasn’t impressed with that degree from Bob Jones “University” and your thesis attempting to disprove evolution.
Why does Focus on the Family cover only a limited range of issues?
Limited? Their FAQs cover everything from Pokemon to dead beat children to gay spouses; that seems to be a pretty wide range of issues. Do you need their opinion on the existence of the Yeti or what they thought about the last episode of Seinfeld?
I found a condom and a cigarette lighter in my daughter's purse. Should I confront her?
Well, since you found a condom and a lighter I’d say yes. Independently I’d just leave it be.
Our teenager is using drugs.
That’s not a question.
I'm a pastor who's addicted to Internet pornography, and I don't know where to turn.
How many pastors had to send in this question to get it on the board? And does Focus on the Family differentiate between Internet and other forms of porn? And when he/she asks "where to to turn" are they asking for help or recommendations?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A New Look at the Tebow Ad... and a big WTF
When I originally set out to write this blog, I was planning to write about the Tim Tebow Focus on the Family ad. But not in the manner that the other 4,576 blogs and columns took on this issue… so hold the hate mail and angry comments. I don’t want to turn the comment log into an awkward dinner party with the Palins and Kuciniches.
Kucinich: “Please pass the merlot… or do you think we should wait for the free market to send it along”
Palin: “You betcha Mr O’Kucinich. BTW, I found your speech on the floor of the House interesting but let me ask a follow up question. Do you hate America because you’re a commie or is there another reason?”
Getting involved in that debate is more dangerous than standing between Jesse Jackson and a television camera.
No, my quest was reviewing the logic of forking over about $2.6 for 30 seconds with no real product to move. Is paying that much money for an ad the best way to advance the organization’s vision? Could that money have been better spent somewhere else – I imagine trying to paint a Supreme Court nominee as a cross between Stalin and Neville Chamberlain is very expensive. Would donors feel this is a good use of their money?
What are they trying to accomplish here – do they not think this debate gets enough attention? After all, the road is littered with small-to-mid size organization buying a Super Bowl ad for no good reason and then ending in bankruptcy 2 years later.
So I went to the Focus on the Family website and started to search for some financial information. Well, there’s no financial information to be found---but that’s where this article takes a hard left into WTFville. The FAQs.
Most of these are pretty run of the mill… how to contact the organization, information about their charitable initiatives. And there are a few slightly odd ones that get a bit specific into family issues. But then there’s #21 on the list.
“How can I motivate my freeloading 27-year-old daughter?”
Wow. Freeloading daughters must be common issue amongst the Christian right. After recovering from what I believe to be a minor stroke, my mind instantly starting picking this apart. Why 27, is it OK to freeload up until 26? Is it OK to freeload if you’re a man? If she was a married, childless, stay-at-home housewife that didn’t keep up the house would it be OK?
Unfortunately, the answer isn’t as mind-bending as the question; it’s a predictable “tough love” argument. Although if I was counseling these naïve parents I might ask a few follow-up questions about jam music and odd tobacco-like smells emanating from the basement.
And now my mind is shot to the point where I can’t think of a coherent close to this entry. So I’ll take the easy way out and post a few other gems farther down the Focus on the Family Q&A along with my thoughts. And let me answer this question before you ask it… these are actual, word-for-word, unedited questions on the website.
“What are your concerns about legalized gambling?” – If I was Focus on the Family, my only concern would be if Bill Bennett is on my Board of Directors.
“Do you think I should tell my wife when another woman makes a pass at me?” – Absolutely. Heck, if it doesn’t happen regularly you should make up a story every now and then. You need her to think you’re still in demand.
“I need help with the problem of pornography; can you help me?” or “What can I do about pornography in my community and/or on my computer?” – Ask your 15 year old son how to clear out your browsing history so your wife doesn’t find out. Or your freeloading 27 year old daughter… that should sufficiently freak her out to the point where she’ll get a job and move out of your basement. That’s what we in the real world call getting two birds with stone… I’m not sure what it’s called in the porn business but I’m guessing it costs extra.
How should I discipline a child with ADHD? – Quickly.
Is it OK to permit sassiness from my child as an emotional outlet? – No, sassiness is a gateway emotion. Before you know it, you’ll have a smart alec on your hands… and then you have a real problem.
Can my husband's deteriorating health be caused by his affair? – I’m pretty sure this is the definition of an STD.
What can parents do to improve public schools? – If you’re still on the Focus on the Family FAQs at this point, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet your child is home schooled… don’t worry about the public schools, focus on your kid’s crippling lack of ability to socialize with other kids.
What about Halloween? – It’s on October 31… you should have candy available for trick or treaters… it becomes a very different holiday when you go away to college… anything else you need to know?
How can I deal with my young daughter's bad moods? – Harshly, if not you’re likely to have a 27 year old freeloader on your hands down the road.
If my husband drinks a lot but doesn't get drunk, is he an alcoholic? – No… you’re probably just slowly sucking the life out of him.
In what direction is the pornography industry moving these days? – Is anyone else wondering why Focus on the Family seems to be an expert on this topic?
Has Focus on the Family reviewed William P. Young’s novel, The Shack? – Not yet… this porno thing is taking more time than they thought.
Is this e-mail an Internet hoax? – This isn’t an email Sparky, but I’m beginning to think this message board may be a hoax… I’m on my fifth “you can’t be serious” and I’m only 20% through this thing.
How can my fiancée and I avoid divorce? – Let me know if this solution is too complex… call off the wedding.
Why can't my wife and I get along, even when we want to? I’m guessing it’s because you ask questions like this on a regular basis.
Does my husband have the right to continue a gay lifestyle and marriage to me? – Only if you’re Senator from Idaho or a high profile pastor that publically and adamantly insists being gay is a sin.
What do you think about date rape when a girl has given a guy the come-on? – I’m speechless. I guess this proves that morals and religion don’t go hand in hand.
Where can I read more about Islam on this Web site? – I’m sure too many aspiring Muslims find themselves here.
What are the prospects for the very pretty or handsome child? – This goes back to the home schooling issue.
Why is it important for citizens to be involved in the political process? – It’s important to attempt to counter the influence of this organization.
Well, 400 words later I still don’t have a good close… but I do have fodder for another entry. I’ll tackle the last 2/3 of the Best of these FAQs in another entry. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to seek medical attention for this stroke.
Kucinich: “Please pass the merlot… or do you think we should wait for the free market to send it along”
Palin: “You betcha Mr O’Kucinich. BTW, I found your speech on the floor of the House interesting but let me ask a follow up question. Do you hate America because you’re a commie or is there another reason?”
Getting involved in that debate is more dangerous than standing between Jesse Jackson and a television camera.
No, my quest was reviewing the logic of forking over about $2.6 for 30 seconds with no real product to move. Is paying that much money for an ad the best way to advance the organization’s vision? Could that money have been better spent somewhere else – I imagine trying to paint a Supreme Court nominee as a cross between Stalin and Neville Chamberlain is very expensive. Would donors feel this is a good use of their money?
What are they trying to accomplish here – do they not think this debate gets enough attention? After all, the road is littered with small-to-mid size organization buying a Super Bowl ad for no good reason and then ending in bankruptcy 2 years later.
So I went to the Focus on the Family website and started to search for some financial information. Well, there’s no financial information to be found---but that’s where this article takes a hard left into WTFville. The FAQs.
Most of these are pretty run of the mill… how to contact the organization, information about their charitable initiatives. And there are a few slightly odd ones that get a bit specific into family issues. But then there’s #21 on the list.
“How can I motivate my freeloading 27-year-old daughter?”
Wow. Freeloading daughters must be common issue amongst the Christian right. After recovering from what I believe to be a minor stroke, my mind instantly starting picking this apart. Why 27, is it OK to freeload up until 26? Is it OK to freeload if you’re a man? If she was a married, childless, stay-at-home housewife that didn’t keep up the house would it be OK?
Unfortunately, the answer isn’t as mind-bending as the question; it’s a predictable “tough love” argument. Although if I was counseling these naïve parents I might ask a few follow-up questions about jam music and odd tobacco-like smells emanating from the basement.
And now my mind is shot to the point where I can’t think of a coherent close to this entry. So I’ll take the easy way out and post a few other gems farther down the Focus on the Family Q&A along with my thoughts. And let me answer this question before you ask it… these are actual, word-for-word, unedited questions on the website.
“What are your concerns about legalized gambling?” – If I was Focus on the Family, my only concern would be if Bill Bennett is on my Board of Directors.
“Do you think I should tell my wife when another woman makes a pass at me?” – Absolutely. Heck, if it doesn’t happen regularly you should make up a story every now and then. You need her to think you’re still in demand.
“I need help with the problem of pornography; can you help me?” or “What can I do about pornography in my community and/or on my computer?” – Ask your 15 year old son how to clear out your browsing history so your wife doesn’t find out. Or your freeloading 27 year old daughter… that should sufficiently freak her out to the point where she’ll get a job and move out of your basement. That’s what we in the real world call getting two birds with stone… I’m not sure what it’s called in the porn business but I’m guessing it costs extra.
How should I discipline a child with ADHD? – Quickly.
Is it OK to permit sassiness from my child as an emotional outlet? – No, sassiness is a gateway emotion. Before you know it, you’ll have a smart alec on your hands… and then you have a real problem.
Can my husband's deteriorating health be caused by his affair? – I’m pretty sure this is the definition of an STD.
What can parents do to improve public schools? – If you’re still on the Focus on the Family FAQs at this point, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet your child is home schooled… don’t worry about the public schools, focus on your kid’s crippling lack of ability to socialize with other kids.
What about Halloween? – It’s on October 31… you should have candy available for trick or treaters… it becomes a very different holiday when you go away to college… anything else you need to know?
How can I deal with my young daughter's bad moods? – Harshly, if not you’re likely to have a 27 year old freeloader on your hands down the road.
If my husband drinks a lot but doesn't get drunk, is he an alcoholic? – No… you’re probably just slowly sucking the life out of him.
In what direction is the pornography industry moving these days? – Is anyone else wondering why Focus on the Family seems to be an expert on this topic?
Has Focus on the Family reviewed William P. Young’s novel, The Shack? – Not yet… this porno thing is taking more time than they thought.
Is this e-mail an Internet hoax? – This isn’t an email Sparky, but I’m beginning to think this message board may be a hoax… I’m on my fifth “you can’t be serious” and I’m only 20% through this thing.
How can my fiancée and I avoid divorce? – Let me know if this solution is too complex… call off the wedding.
Why can't my wife and I get along, even when we want to? I’m guessing it’s because you ask questions like this on a regular basis.
Does my husband have the right to continue a gay lifestyle and marriage to me? – Only if you’re Senator from Idaho or a high profile pastor that publically and adamantly insists being gay is a sin.
What do you think about date rape when a girl has given a guy the come-on? – I’m speechless. I guess this proves that morals and religion don’t go hand in hand.
Where can I read more about Islam on this Web site? – I’m sure too many aspiring Muslims find themselves here.
What are the prospects for the very pretty or handsome child? – This goes back to the home schooling issue.
Why is it important for citizens to be involved in the political process? – It’s important to attempt to counter the influence of this organization.
Well, 400 words later I still don’t have a good close… but I do have fodder for another entry. I’ll tackle the last 2/3 of the Best of these FAQs in another entry. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to seek medical attention for this stroke.
Monday, February 1, 2010
An Open Letter to the Chicago Blackhawks
Gentleman,
While I have greatly enjoyed the 2009-2010 season to-date and know little about the game of hockey beyond what I learned in NHL ’94 on the Sega Genesis I feel I need to take this opportunity to impart some advice that will pay dividends for the team down the road.
Here’s a general piece of advice about going shirtless at a party. Don’t. Yes, there are obvious exceptions with pool/beach parties, but if you’re partying in Vancouver in the middle of winter there really isn’t any good reason to go Tracy Morgan on us. And if you’re in a limo with mixed company and only the guys have their shirts off, you really need to rethink your situation to the point that joining a book club might be a better option.
And while I cannot condone, I can understand your mistake. In one’s early 20s, the decision making skills of a guy who’s had a few beverages ranks somewhere between “let’s pick a fight with that Russian guy with the scar” and “she’s hot, so what if she told the cabbie to drop us off at a trailer park.” But by the time someone is old enough to rent a car they should know better. I’m looking at you John Madden.
This isn’t 2000. You weren’t signed because you’re capable of putting up a decent +/- number at the age of 36. You were signed to bring some leadership to the team - this is precisely the type of situation you were brought into prevent. You’re supposed to be the voice of reason. The one that says “drinking out of the Stanley Cup may seem like a good idea, but do you know where that thing has been.” But I shouldn’t be too hard on you Mr. Madden, at least you’re keeping Kane out of cabs.
And while these photos were only embarrassing, and not incriminating, you’re now going to be subjected years and years of these photos being put on posters at opposing arenas and teammates busting your chops in the locker room.
In closing, keep up the good work on the ice fellas. But your lives will infinitely improve if you keep your shirts on off the ice.
While I have greatly enjoyed the 2009-2010 season to-date and know little about the game of hockey beyond what I learned in NHL ’94 on the Sega Genesis I feel I need to take this opportunity to impart some advice that will pay dividends for the team down the road.
Here’s a general piece of advice about going shirtless at a party. Don’t. Yes, there are obvious exceptions with pool/beach parties, but if you’re partying in Vancouver in the middle of winter there really isn’t any good reason to go Tracy Morgan on us. And if you’re in a limo with mixed company and only the guys have their shirts off, you really need to rethink your situation to the point that joining a book club might be a better option.
And while I cannot condone, I can understand your mistake. In one’s early 20s, the decision making skills of a guy who’s had a few beverages ranks somewhere between “let’s pick a fight with that Russian guy with the scar” and “she’s hot, so what if she told the cabbie to drop us off at a trailer park.” But by the time someone is old enough to rent a car they should know better. I’m looking at you John Madden.
This isn’t 2000. You weren’t signed because you’re capable of putting up a decent +/- number at the age of 36. You were signed to bring some leadership to the team - this is precisely the type of situation you were brought into prevent. You’re supposed to be the voice of reason. The one that says “drinking out of the Stanley Cup may seem like a good idea, but do you know where that thing has been.” But I shouldn’t be too hard on you Mr. Madden, at least you’re keeping Kane out of cabs.
And while these photos were only embarrassing, and not incriminating, you’re now going to be subjected years and years of these photos being put on posters at opposing arenas and teammates busting your chops in the locker room.
In closing, keep up the good work on the ice fellas. But your lives will infinitely improve if you keep your shirts on off the ice.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I Guess It's Time to Print Those World Series Tickets
The Cubs signed Greg Maddux to serve in an as-of-yet undefined role in their front office. And Cubs fans reacted predictably - their overreaction made the 2009 offseason moves involving DeRosa and Bradley seem quaint. And the reactions were consistent, they ranged from brilliant to outstanding. Because we all remember the difference Ernie Banks made when he served as a special assistant to the GM in the 1970s after retiring... without Banks Ivan DeJesus would have never developed into the baseball legend that he is today.
I’ve got news for us Cubs fans. This isn’t the 1994 version of Greg Maddux that put up the greatest season by a pitcher in the modern era. The Cubs decided that they could win without him 15 years ago. This isn’t even the 2004 version of Greg Maddux that can stabilize the backend of a rotation. The Cubs learned that they couldn’t win with him 5 years ago. This is the 2010 version of Greg Maddux. Who may or may not be able to undermine Larry Rothschild and the dreaded towel drill.
There isn’t exactly a long list of Hall of Fame players that successfully moved into management roles. I can’t think of one baseball player who navigated this successfully; and outside of the Baltimore Ravens’ Ozzie Newsome I can’t think of one outstanding baseball or basketball GM who was a Hall of Fame player*.
* If you’re thinking Jerry West think again. The man was handed Magic and Kareem, had the can’t miss choice of Dominique or Worthy to fill a small forward hole and lured Shaq to LA by forcing Kazaam on all of us; West just understood the simple idea that you don’t overpay aging role players. Yes, he traded Vlade Divac for Kobe. Congrats. Jim Hendry traded He Sop Choi for Derek Lee. One trade does not make a genius.
Maddux is regarded as one of the smartest pitchers of the era. His brother is a highly thought of pitching coach. I imagine he’s better than any instructor the Cubs have in their minor league system. So yes, having the greatest pitcher of the modern era in your front office isn’t a bad thing.
But I’d rather have a statistician with a PowerPoint entitled “On-Base Percentage: It’s Not Necessarily a Bad Thing to ‘Clog’ the Bases.” Or, if Hendry is averse to employing basic statistics in his player evaluations, how about a wannabe agent who at least read the Wikipedia page on negotiating tactics so the Cubs can stop singing players in their late 30s to long-term contracts for 150% of market value.
But since those are all pie in the sky dreams I’ll just have to live with a retired Hall of Fame pitcher who may be able to help Marmol find the strike zone and hope that one of the interns can explain the arbitration process to Hendry.
I’ve got news for us Cubs fans. This isn’t the 1994 version of Greg Maddux that put up the greatest season by a pitcher in the modern era. The Cubs decided that they could win without him 15 years ago. This isn’t even the 2004 version of Greg Maddux that can stabilize the backend of a rotation. The Cubs learned that they couldn’t win with him 5 years ago. This is the 2010 version of Greg Maddux. Who may or may not be able to undermine Larry Rothschild and the dreaded towel drill.
There isn’t exactly a long list of Hall of Fame players that successfully moved into management roles. I can’t think of one baseball player who navigated this successfully; and outside of the Baltimore Ravens’ Ozzie Newsome I can’t think of one outstanding baseball or basketball GM who was a Hall of Fame player*.
* If you’re thinking Jerry West think again. The man was handed Magic and Kareem, had the can’t miss choice of Dominique or Worthy to fill a small forward hole and lured Shaq to LA by forcing Kazaam on all of us; West just understood the simple idea that you don’t overpay aging role players. Yes, he traded Vlade Divac for Kobe. Congrats. Jim Hendry traded He Sop Choi for Derek Lee. One trade does not make a genius.
Maddux is regarded as one of the smartest pitchers of the era. His brother is a highly thought of pitching coach. I imagine he’s better than any instructor the Cubs have in their minor league system. So yes, having the greatest pitcher of the modern era in your front office isn’t a bad thing.
But I’d rather have a statistician with a PowerPoint entitled “On-Base Percentage: It’s Not Necessarily a Bad Thing to ‘Clog’ the Bases.” Or, if Hendry is averse to employing basic statistics in his player evaluations, how about a wannabe agent who at least read the Wikipedia page on negotiating tactics so the Cubs can stop singing players in their late 30s to long-term contracts for 150% of market value.
But since those are all pie in the sky dreams I’ll just have to live with a retired Hall of Fame pitcher who may be able to help Marmol find the strike zone and hope that one of the interns can explain the arbitration process to Hendry.
Monday, January 11, 2010
I, Cleatus
The Fox Sports Robot, who is apparently named Cleatus in an apparent attempt to appeal to the only demographic that could possibly think the robot is a good idea, makes its presence felt once again during NFL Wild Card Sunday. And not in a good way.
This robot’s behavior makes you wish that Asimov came up with a fourth law of robotics prohibiting douchey behavior. In his 120 seconds of airtime Cleatus manages to make the a Friday night at the Jersey Shore look like a lecture on 18th Century French Literature at Oxford.
Even the folks that gave us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire can’t be blind to the complete and total lack of appeal the robot brings.
The Special Teamer
At the beginning of each game Cleatus warms up to ensure he doesn’t pull a hydraulic or tear his bypass line. And, as only Cleatus can do, he manages to get the douch-o-meter in the red in less than 3 seconds by running in place and shaking his leg loose. Think about who you’ve known that warms up for a football game in this manner. If you’re drawing a blank don’t worry, there’s only one known example… the special teamer.
If you played high school football you know the special teamer. This guy was a workout warrior in the summer. He probably led the team in the bench press, weight room grunts and knowledge of the supplement selection at GNC. Unfortunately, this guy had no athletic ability. But the coach liked his dedication so he put him on the kickoff team where he’d mindlessly throw himself into the return wedge 4-5 times a night. The rest of the night he’d spend pacing up and down the sideline, running in place and shaking his legs loose while yelling things like “I like this kind of party”, “protect this house” and other sayings he picked up from Under Armor commercials and NFL Films clips on John Randle. Coincidently, he’s also the most likely to have his high school football number on his license plate at the 10 year reunion.
The Pose Down
Cleatus is also a regular attendee of the gun show, and he’s not afraid to go into full pose down mode for no good reason.
I think there are three valid reasons for posing down. One, you’re a six year old who just got the lid off the peanut butter for his mom. Two, if Also sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 happens to be playing in the background… and then the posing must be done in sync with the music, complete with a synchronized pec dance when the percussion kicks in. Three, the Chris Farley “do you know where the gym is” routine to impress a random chick; used most memorably in Tommy Boy. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip so you’ll have to be content with this. From what I can see none of these situations applied on Sunday.
Guitar Hero
This one’s easy, you’re not allowed to fake playing the guitar unless your name is Hulk Hogan. This is his exclusive domain per the Supreme Court decision Cheese v. Good Taste.
Easy There Big Fella
Every now and then a lineman makes it into the end zone. And every time this happens there’s a split second freeze after the score when they realize they have no idea how to handle the celebration. Usually they realize they took too long to decide and go with the awkward spike. But sometimes an old clip of the Ickey Shuffle or Billy “White Shoes” Johnson gets in there and the results are pretty horrible. But why does an animated robot have horrible moves? Does the guy in charge of animating him fail to understand what makes up a good touchdown dance? At least they can have the robot re-create some of those great celebrations the NFL doesn’t let players do anymore. C’mon Cleatus, act like you’ve been there before.
The White Man Overbite
Yes, the robot dances. And if you saw its touchdown celebration, you’re pretty safe in assuming that Cleatus is a lousy dancer. But at least he acknowledges this much by limiting his shimmy to the electric slide. Apparently starting the lawn mower and throwing dice were a little too modern. At least they could have given him a couple of glow sticks to distract the viewer from the fact he moves about as Orlando Pace.
So while the best would be to put Cleatus out to pasture this year, I’m not going to trust the folks at Fox to make a decision in good taste. So could we at least create some animations that better reflect the typical football fan. Can we get a shot of Cleatus in a Lazy-Boy scratching himself in his sleep? Eating crumbs off his Marcus Allen Chiefs jersey? Sucking in his beer belly whenever the waitress comes to take their order? This would better resonate with the average viewer and make Cleatus a bit easier to deal with on Sundays.
This robot’s behavior makes you wish that Asimov came up with a fourth law of robotics prohibiting douchey behavior. In his 120 seconds of airtime Cleatus manages to make the a Friday night at the Jersey Shore look like a lecture on 18th Century French Literature at Oxford.
Even the folks that gave us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire can’t be blind to the complete and total lack of appeal the robot brings.
The Special Teamer
At the beginning of each game Cleatus warms up to ensure he doesn’t pull a hydraulic or tear his bypass line. And, as only Cleatus can do, he manages to get the douch-o-meter in the red in less than 3 seconds by running in place and shaking his leg loose. Think about who you’ve known that warms up for a football game in this manner. If you’re drawing a blank don’t worry, there’s only one known example… the special teamer.
If you played high school football you know the special teamer. This guy was a workout warrior in the summer. He probably led the team in the bench press, weight room grunts and knowledge of the supplement selection at GNC. Unfortunately, this guy had no athletic ability. But the coach liked his dedication so he put him on the kickoff team where he’d mindlessly throw himself into the return wedge 4-5 times a night. The rest of the night he’d spend pacing up and down the sideline, running in place and shaking his legs loose while yelling things like “I like this kind of party”, “protect this house” and other sayings he picked up from Under Armor commercials and NFL Films clips on John Randle. Coincidently, he’s also the most likely to have his high school football number on his license plate at the 10 year reunion.
The Pose Down
Cleatus is also a regular attendee of the gun show, and he’s not afraid to go into full pose down mode for no good reason.
I think there are three valid reasons for posing down. One, you’re a six year old who just got the lid off the peanut butter for his mom. Two, if Also sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 happens to be playing in the background… and then the posing must be done in sync with the music, complete with a synchronized pec dance when the percussion kicks in. Three, the Chris Farley “do you know where the gym is” routine to impress a random chick; used most memorably in Tommy Boy. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip so you’ll have to be content with this. From what I can see none of these situations applied on Sunday.
Guitar Hero
This one’s easy, you’re not allowed to fake playing the guitar unless your name is Hulk Hogan. This is his exclusive domain per the Supreme Court decision Cheese v. Good Taste.
Easy There Big Fella
Every now and then a lineman makes it into the end zone. And every time this happens there’s a split second freeze after the score when they realize they have no idea how to handle the celebration. Usually they realize they took too long to decide and go with the awkward spike. But sometimes an old clip of the Ickey Shuffle or Billy “White Shoes” Johnson gets in there and the results are pretty horrible. But why does an animated robot have horrible moves? Does the guy in charge of animating him fail to understand what makes up a good touchdown dance? At least they can have the robot re-create some of those great celebrations the NFL doesn’t let players do anymore. C’mon Cleatus, act like you’ve been there before.
The White Man Overbite
Yes, the robot dances. And if you saw its touchdown celebration, you’re pretty safe in assuming that Cleatus is a lousy dancer. But at least he acknowledges this much by limiting his shimmy to the electric slide. Apparently starting the lawn mower and throwing dice were a little too modern. At least they could have given him a couple of glow sticks to distract the viewer from the fact he moves about as Orlando Pace.
So while the best would be to put Cleatus out to pasture this year, I’m not going to trust the folks at Fox to make a decision in good taste. So could we at least create some animations that better reflect the typical football fan. Can we get a shot of Cleatus in a Lazy-Boy scratching himself in his sleep? Eating crumbs off his Marcus Allen Chiefs jersey? Sucking in his beer belly whenever the waitress comes to take their order? This would better resonate with the average viewer and make Cleatus a bit easier to deal with on Sundays.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Out with the Old, In with More of the Same
With the trade of Milton Bradley the Cubs closed to book on a disappointing 2009 season. And with the signing of Marlon Byrd, the Cubs kicked off 2010 with a business-as-usual signing that will likely condemn them to a disappointing 2010 season. Even the Cubs themselves seem to acknowledge this – one of the lead stories on their own web site this weekend is “Cubs Banking on Bounce Back Campaigns in 2010.” Yeah, that’s always a good sign in January. Someone needs to tell the Cubs front-office that with steroid testing players are regressing after the age of 30 again.
Bradley for Silva and cash is excusable - having Bradley in a Cubs uniform was destined to end in one of a few ways:
1) Piniella killing Bradley
2) Bradley killing Piniella… then blaming the media
3) An Artest-like mêlée in the right field bleachers (this is one instance in which the inability of any Cubs outfielder to make consistent contact would pay off)
4) A combination of the above scenarios… with Bradley again blaming the media
But the unfortunate part of this trade is that it brought back a pitcher whose only value is to create the optical illusion that Carlos spent his offseason getting into shape…. Or to possibly give Carlos something soft in the clubhouse to beat up. Because if you’re thinking that the $6 million the Mariners kicked in would give the Cubs some ability to re-shape the roster you forgot who is in charge of re-shaping said roster.
Going into 2010 the Cubs have problems at second (or at shortstop if you’re of the opinion that The Riot is better used at second), center and left field (whoops, we’re not supposed to say that out loud). The bullpen and rotation won’t exactly remind you of the 1963 Dodgers but it will work in the National League Central. So sure, Marlon Byrd makes sense… until you consider that he got a 3-year, $15 million deal that is likely a Hendry back-end special that will create the need for a Jim Hendry salary dump special in December 2011.
So the Cubs use up the remainder of their budget to sign a 32 year-old center fielder who may or may not be an everyday outfielder. But here’s a thought, instead of using $15 million to fill your center field hole with that type of player why not use $2-3 million to sign another 32 year old guy who may or may not be an everyday major league outfielder… there’s got to be a player out there that fits this profile. Hmmm… oh yeah, he’s already on your roster.
Reed Johnson (with Cubs) .287 / .348 / .418
Marlon Byrd (2009) .283 / .329 / .479
That doesn’t look like a $12 million difference. And if you think that Reed will break down keep Sam Fuld on the roster. Chances are that Sam’s not an everyday player either but he only costs minimum wage… leaving money to be spent elsewhere. And if Sam doesn’t work out and you’re still in contention (of course, falling out of contention in the NL Central would take a 1919 World Series level dive) you could always pick up Kenny Lofton in July.
So now the Cubs are looking at having little-to-no budget left with a gaping hole at second, a rotation with no ability to absorb any injury (and Ted Lilly is out until May BTW… get used to a lot of Jeff Smarzdija fastballs hitting the home plate netting and Carlos Silva “fastballs” landing on Waveland) and a thin bullpen for a team that doesn’t have a lot of starters that go deep into games. Sounds like a great idea.
Well, at least the Cubs aren’t looking at signing any other over-the-hill players that may or may not be drawing social security already. Wait, you’ve gotta be effin’ kidding me. I hope that talk is about an usher position.
Bradley for Silva and cash is excusable - having Bradley in a Cubs uniform was destined to end in one of a few ways:
1) Piniella killing Bradley
2) Bradley killing Piniella… then blaming the media
3) An Artest-like mêlée in the right field bleachers (this is one instance in which the inability of any Cubs outfielder to make consistent contact would pay off)
4) A combination of the above scenarios… with Bradley again blaming the media
But the unfortunate part of this trade is that it brought back a pitcher whose only value is to create the optical illusion that Carlos spent his offseason getting into shape…. Or to possibly give Carlos something soft in the clubhouse to beat up. Because if you’re thinking that the $6 million the Mariners kicked in would give the Cubs some ability to re-shape the roster you forgot who is in charge of re-shaping said roster.
Going into 2010 the Cubs have problems at second (or at shortstop if you’re of the opinion that The Riot is better used at second), center and left field (whoops, we’re not supposed to say that out loud). The bullpen and rotation won’t exactly remind you of the 1963 Dodgers but it will work in the National League Central. So sure, Marlon Byrd makes sense… until you consider that he got a 3-year, $15 million deal that is likely a Hendry back-end special that will create the need for a Jim Hendry salary dump special in December 2011.
So the Cubs use up the remainder of their budget to sign a 32 year-old center fielder who may or may not be an everyday outfielder. But here’s a thought, instead of using $15 million to fill your center field hole with that type of player why not use $2-3 million to sign another 32 year old guy who may or may not be an everyday major league outfielder… there’s got to be a player out there that fits this profile. Hmmm… oh yeah, he’s already on your roster.
Reed Johnson (with Cubs) .287 / .348 / .418
Marlon Byrd (2009) .283 / .329 / .479
That doesn’t look like a $12 million difference. And if you think that Reed will break down keep Sam Fuld on the roster. Chances are that Sam’s not an everyday player either but he only costs minimum wage… leaving money to be spent elsewhere. And if Sam doesn’t work out and you’re still in contention (of course, falling out of contention in the NL Central would take a 1919 World Series level dive) you could always pick up Kenny Lofton in July.
So now the Cubs are looking at having little-to-no budget left with a gaping hole at second, a rotation with no ability to absorb any injury (and Ted Lilly is out until May BTW… get used to a lot of Jeff Smarzdija fastballs hitting the home plate netting and Carlos Silva “fastballs” landing on Waveland) and a thin bullpen for a team that doesn’t have a lot of starters that go deep into games. Sounds like a great idea.
Well, at least the Cubs aren’t looking at signing any other over-the-hill players that may or may not be drawing social security already. Wait, you’ve gotta be effin’ kidding me. I hope that talk is about an usher position.
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